My ex reached out through Google Chat (a platform I didn't realize was active) while he is on his two-week work shift.
He sent a high-emotion message expressing regret for pushing me away during our last video call. He said he "forgives everything," wants to move forward, and is mailing a letter once his shift ends in about 1.5 weeks.
My Analysis:
The Emotional Pull: I still feel a very strong connection and a lot of love for him. Hearing him say he wants our promised future is incredibly hard to ignore.
The Missing Accountability: The message lacks any mention of the verbal or physical abuse. Saying "all is forgiven" feels like he is glossing over the core issues. It feels like "future faking"—promising a dream without doing the mechanical work to change the reality.
The Double Standard: His focus on "forgiving" me for being on a dating app after we were broken up for a month highlights a cycle where rules apply to me but not to him.
The Risk: I know that statistically, change in these patterns is rare (5–10%) without long-term, external accountability.
My Current Boundary:
I am waiting to see the content of the letter, but I am holding firm on my requirement for safety. I will not consider a reconciliation unless there is a documented, long-term commitment to a men’s accountability group (not just a short 12-week course, but ongoing weekly program similar to alcoholics anonymous). I need to see a changed man before I ever consider being a partner again.
I'm just curious if anyone's been in a similar situation and gone back to a partner who was verbally or physically abusive once they started to receive help in a men's accountability group or course? I'm just curious if anybody has any experience with a similar situation. I'm also curious to hear from any men out there who could have possibly been struggling with the same challenges as my ex-boyfriend and gone through a domestic violence program and if they thought it helped. my ex has already done an anger management program. we did couples counseling and I didn't find it that helpful.
Last updated on:2026-03-21T02:25:09+05:30
Comments (11)
Thank you for sharing your story so I know I'm not alone. I'm so proud of you for leaving that situation. it's hard when they just dismiss the abuse or make excuses for it. my ex likes to say he pinned me down out of love. that hurts the most. being gaslit and told that's not what happened. thank you for your support. your kind words will not be forgotten.
His letter sounds manipulative, especially the attempt to subtly suggest it was your fault, and his lack of accountability and remorse.
Thank you for pointing that out. sometimes it feels like it's just me who sees that.
I feel that if the highest possibility is that they are 90-95 percent likely to reoffend, that's far too dangerous. A friend of mine ended up divorcing her husband because he was abusive again even after anger management therapy and being part of a men's group.
Thank you for sharing your friend's story.
when you imagine opening that letter, do you feel calm and steady about your boundary or do you feel that old pull starting to drag you back in a little?
unfortunately him reaching out to me pulled me back in. I got so wrapped in the love and the hope for a future that I let my boundaries go. I let him turn everything around on me and made it feel like I was the person who made all the mistakes. not him. I get so confused when he twists everything it makes me the bad person.
i’m really glad you’re holding that safety line
I'm trying to hold that safety boundary but it is hard because he twists everything and makes me feel like I'm the only one who's made mistakes. he is mad at me because after month of being apart I online dated and chatted with three guys. he's mad at me because I lied about why I stopped talking to the three guys. it was because they stopped talking to me. I decided to get off the dating app because he sent me an email saying that if I continued to date other guys he would never get back together with me. so it was technically because he sent me that email and because I was getting exhausted from scrolling and because people are flaky on dating apps and just kind of disappear. he didn't like it when I had told him earlier that it was because I'd stopped talking to them. but honestly, I didn't know if I would have stayed up a few more days on if they would have messaged me after their dates had not turned out well. so he's made it in his mind that I'm only with him because these other guys didn't want me. so he's made me into this huge liar. I'm the one who told him that when we were broken up I went on bumble. he doesn't give me any credit for that.
reading this brought back a lot for me. my ex came back with big emotional messages too, saying he forgave everything and wanted our future again, but the hard stuff like the yelling and grabbing never really got owned. that part always made my stomach twist.
Thank you for sharing your story so I know I'm not alone. I'm proud of you for leaving that situation. it's hard when they dismiss the abuse or make excuses. my ex would say he pinned me down out of love. when he gaslit me and made me doubt my own perception of reality that hurt the most. thank you for your support and kind words.