Is this avoidant behaviour or emotional disengagement?
I’d like some perspective on a relationship situation.
My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years (known each other nearly 4). We’ve had a recurring pattern where, during conflict or stress, he withdraws, becomes emotionally reactive, or goes silent for days. I usually end up being the one to reach out and repair things.
Last week, after a minor misunderstanding, he became frustrated, raised his voice, and ended the conversation abruptly. Since then, he hasn’t contacted me at all. It’s now been almost a week. The only time he reached out was to ask for money he previously lent me (I repaid it immediately).
This pattern isn’t new — he tends to pull away whenever life gets stressful. But he also talks about wanting a future with me. Recently he even discussed the idea of proposing this year. Yet his actions don’t match those words.
At this point, I’m trying to detach and protect my peace, because the inconsistency, emotional volatility, and silent treatment are starting to affect my mental wellbeing. I haven’t reached out, and I’m trying not to chase the situation anymore.
I’m not sure whether he’s genuinely struggling and overwhelmed, or if he’s emotionally checking out of the relationship. I’d appreciate objective opinions from anyone who’s experienced something similar or has insight into avoidant/withdrawing behaviour in relationships.
Comments (6)
when he goes silent, do you feel more anxious trying to hold things together, or more tired of being the only emotional adult in the room
i don’t think you’re wrong for stepping back
his response for when I said I was stepping back instead of arguing, and when he ready to have a calm conversation to let me know was that he is stepping back too.
i was with someone like this. every conflict meant silence, days of nothing, and i was always the one fixing it. the whiplash between “i want a future with you” and disappearing messed with my head
It's important for you to protect your peace. Do not reach out to him. If he wants you back, then explain your concerns to him. If he still doesn't change after that, then it's time to move on.
leave him alone and see if he will reach out and if he does don't make noise, address your concerns calmly
Labels aside, what matters is how this behaviour affects you. Repeated withdrawal, silence, and volatility during conflict can seriously impact mental wellbeing. Wanting a future means showing up especially when things are uncomfortable. You’re not wrong for protecting your peace or stopping the chase.