just decided to go no contact. I've had almost 21 years of heartbreak with him. He has left several times over our 21 years. He moved out 2 years ago but we continued to try or at least I did. Anytime I express a negative emotion he decides to ignore me. We recently went out for Valentines day and he sat another woman between us. I ended up upset and told him it was muggy. He then ignored me for ten days. He then came back and told me he was obsessed with me and couldn't leave me alone.
I told him how he can't just ignore me during conflict as it really hurts me and doesn't resolve anything. However, he has spent the last 5 days ignoring me again. He came round this morning, gave me a kiss on the head, a hug, held my hand, talked about snuggling with me, talked about holidaying with us but then as soon as i said it was confusing he flipped on me again and is ignoring me
Last updated on:2026-03-11T21:12:03+05:30
Comments (20)
His behavior is abusive. Your decision to go no contact is a big step toward a new journey of loving yourself and healing.
Can I ask which part of it you think is abusive from your perspective? x
@DotLoop311 đź’ŚIgnoring you, showing he doesn't respect you or your feelings, creating harmful cycles of abandoning and chasing you, and the way he treated you on Valentine's Day sounds despicable. I'm glad you're going no contact, as it's essential for healing. I hope you block him.
is he a psycho
No, apparently I am but by God he makes me that way! lol x
@DotLoop311 I understand how a toxic relationship can make you feel that way. Constant highs and lows, insults (like how he deliberately upset you on Valentine's Day) and gaslighting can make you doubt yourself over time. People like him do not change and I hope ypu can stay free.
please excuse my typos :) my eyesight isn't what it used to be!
Give yourself a break, girl. Twenty-one years of emotional labor makes it so hard to think rationally and make the right decisions—especially when you're still whole-heartedly attached.
girl, I hope someday you'll learn that u never have to explain your feelings over and over again. a man like that doesn't love you Enough, he is clearly breadcrumbing you, and you allow him to treat you like an option.
He's had 21 years to change and he hasn't, and he won't. It's time to cut your losses and move on. You deserve better. If no contact is difficult for you, then you need to find something to keep your mind occupied. It will be easier if you block him.
gah the part where he kissed your head and talked about trips then flipped again made my stomach drop. i've seen that kind of hot-cold before and it leaves you spinning. has he always handled conflict by disappearing like this, even way back in the earlier years?
yeah, always been the same but his words are that I am 100% the problem x
the ignoring during conflict would have broken me too
I just don't think it's healthy at all. I get needing a bit of space if you need to cool off but communicate that and it shouldn't need days. Just say, can we pause the conversation for tonight, I'm feeling really overwhelmed, we can come back to it tomorrow when things have calmed a little and then stick to that. Ten days of ignorance just had me spiralling. He just will not accept how his behaviour makes me feel and react x
i spent years with someone who did the same push-pull thing, warm one minute then silence for days, and it messed with my head so bad. going no contact after that long takes serious strength, 21 years is a lot of history
It is and it's incredibly difficult. I have invested so much, built a life, a home and a family. It really does mess with your head but then you're made out to be the problem for becoming dysregulated. The truth is, I never know how to feel and don't trust my emotions anymore because I could be happy one minute but heartbroken the next and vice versa. It's how he behaves that causes this but he just says I'm 100% the problem and I'm not normal!
You deserve better.
Thanks. I know and I always hoped he'd realise that. He'd say he'd do better but never change anything
sounds very passive aggressive. Take some time to focus on the things that bring you joy without him
I just don't know what to do anymore.