My boyfriend recently broke up with me over the phone a couple of days ago, and it completely blindsided me. We’d been together for almost six years, both of us in college. From then until now, in my junior year of college, I thought we were solid. We had so many plans. Just ten days ago, I saw him in person – I’m only one hour away – and we attended my brother’s wedding together, having an amazing time. How could he hurt and betray me like this, just throw away everything we’ve built?
He told me he can’t do long distance anymore, that he’s not as strong as I am. He says he’s needier, that he needs me there in person, and he doesn’t want to distract me from my education—which he hasn’t. I’m managing two jobs, two minors, a certificate, honors and dean’s list, president of an advertising agency, a full course load, and I’m treasurer and fundraising chair for my sorority. I’ve made time for us, put in the effort, and as a junior, I have only one more year left. My plan was to graduate, and then we’d finally be together full-time. He says he still loves me, but he needs to be apart to “find himself,” that I’m too busy.
I feel like what he’s saying is total nonsense. We grew together, found ourselves together—we’ve been together since high school! It just hurts that he would throw us away, especially with such an unsatisfying reason. I’ve always made time and prioritized him, even with my busy life, because I was committed. And I thought he was committed too. I don’t know where he lost faith in us, when he decided it wasn’t enough anymore. After everything, he broke up with me hours after buying me a smoothie, smiling in my face. He said we could “reevaluate” on January 1st after a break with no contact. But is this a real breakup, or am I supposed to hold on to some kind of hope?
I know who I am, what I want in life, and I’m working hard to get there. Everyone telling me to take time for myself doesn’t really help, because I already do. I’m confident and comfortable in myself, which took a lot to achieve. I just want closure, or answers! I don’t understand how he could hurt me like this, when he’s never done anything like this before.
I just needed to vent, to feel heard, because I miss him so much. Yesterday I found out he stopped sharing his location, and today he unfollowed me on social media. We didn’t even end on bad terms, and I’m respecting his need for space, so why act like we had some huge fight? I’m so confused. He says he’s doing this because he “loves me too much,” but does love really hurt like this?
He gave up on us. We’ve been through so much together, but this time he broke, and he just gave up. I would never have done that, but he’s always said I’m stronger. I just can’t believe it.
What do I do? How do I heal?
Last updated on:2024-10-29T17:58:01+05:30
Comments (11)
Long-distance relationships are challenging because physical connection is harder to achieve and less frequent.
He’ll regret it eventually.
Wow, that's a terrible opinion. This person isn't being selfish. As for you, the verdict is still uncertain.
but do you hurt people you love like this?
I feel like saying this this is selfish. If that girl I did it to told me this, I'd think she's being selfish.
@AlcoholicBoy Seriously... Are you under the influence or just pretending to be clueless? She never said that to him; it’s a rhetorical question. If the girl you hurt asked that, she'd absolutely have a right to do so. The verdict is in—you really messed up. You’re the selfish one here. OP is heartbroken, and yet you’re strutting around like your terrible actions deserve some kind of recognition. I hope you have the day you deserve and just stay away from women.
@HateU You ironically come off as the most arrogant person here, even though you clearly believe you’re on some moral high ground. You’re not. You just don’t see the full picture.
I was genuinely curious if I needed to make this point clear in my comment or if you would understand it, but it seems I overestimated your insight. So here it is:
Yes, she absolutely has the right to question, express, and even feel what she does. However, I can simultaneously feel that she’s being selfish. If you’re carrying a 500kg burden and finally reach your breaking point, it’s disheartening if she responds with, “How could he do this to me? I’m so broken,” instead of first recognizing the weight you’ve been carrying.
Additionally, I’m not backing down from anything—what are you even talking about? I wasn’t being confrontational; I simply shared my perspective because I happen to be affected by her story. I even apologized to her at the end.
The only thing that came across as arrogant was the comment about her being selfish. If she can’t handle that and if it triggers you, then I don’t have anything further to say.
@AlcoholicBoy Tell yourself whatever you need to feel good about being a jerk. I’m not here to read your life story.
@HateU If a few sentences are too challenging, it’s no surprise that forming a coherent argument might be a stretch. Maybe memes are more your speed—deep thinking isn’t for everyone.
I'm feeling confused. He says he's doing this because he loves me too much, but can you really hurt the people you love like that?
Interestingly, last month I found myself in a similar situation to your boyfriend's. I had to choose between suffering for months from loving too much or ending things and enduring a painful 2-4 weeks before starting to heal. I knew it would hurt her as well, but we’re equals, and she would have to deal with it just as I would. It was a matter of whether I was deeply depressed or not. There’s no room for compromise—I can’t have a half-hearted relationship or only partial conversations. It’s either a yes or a no.
So on Monday, we had one of the most delightful casual conversations in a long time, and by Tuesday, I had blocked her. I’m trying not to dwell on it.
However, your relationship is entirely different from mine. I can’t even begin to imagine the depth of your connection, especially since you’ve been together since high school. I can’t provide any advice, but I just want to say that I’m really sorry.
I get the sense that he’s interested in someone else, which might explain why he’s so eager to let you go instead of waiting another year.
My long-distance relationship ex mentioned that I was stronger than he was because he couldn't manage the distance, while I could. Personally, I view that as just an excuse. The right people are willing to fight for the relationship because the ultimate reward is being with each other at the end. If you're not considered worth that effort, then it's best to move on. That was my perspective, anyway.