We broke up at the start of the month

We broke up at the start of the month, and I just can’t seem to feel any better. (This might be a long post, but I have so much pent-up emotion; I just need advice, support, or even just a place to vent.)
This was my first relationship with another woman. I fell completely for her the moment we met. We shared the same interests, played on the same football team, and lived an hour and a half away from our club—so we carpooled together. That’s how our three-year, on-and-off relationship began.
It was never easy between us, and I always put myself second. Early on, I learned she hadn’t told me she was in a relationship due to her internal struggle with her sexuality. It hurt, but I waited until she broke up with that person before we started anything. I know I should’ve taken it as a red flag, especially when two months into us dating, she kissed her ex, just a week after my birthday. She’d already tried to break things off, but I convinced her to try sorting through her feelings. After she told me about the kiss, we broke up for the first time.
I forgave her, though, and we stayed friends with benefits for six months. It was filled with arguments. I now realize those arguments happened because she never really gave me what I needed emotionally, but I still couldn’t let go. We stopped talking for a few months during the football off-season, only for me to find out she was back to talking to her ex.
Around my next birthday, we started falling for each other again, unofficially this time. I was honestly happy just being around her, though I knew I wanted more. Then, she was offered a chance to play football overseas, and things went cold between us again. Right before she left, a friend urged me to check her phone—I didn’t, but I did ask if she was back in touch with her ex, despite having promised she wasn’t. Turns out they’d been intimate again, and she was telling her ex she loved her and that nothing was going on with me. We ended things that day, but somehow, I was the one comforting her.
Long story short, her experience overseas didn’t go well, and we started talking regularly again as we were both dealing with injuries. She promised to win me back and actually did everything I’d always wanted from her. When she unexpectedly came back, I gave us another chance.
Our next ten months together were perfect—until she got the opportunity to play on a national team. While she was away, I was her biggest supporter, but she barely made time for me. I hit a breaking point when she posted about her “new best friend” and left my messages unread. I tried to talk to her about how we could improve our communication while she pursued her dream, but when I finally saw her after two months, she ended things, saying our lives were going in different directions.
Right now, I’m at a low point, struggling with my mental health and going through an ADHD diagnosis. She knew all of this.
I feel lost. We weren’t perfect as girlfriends, but we were always best friends. And now I feel like I’ve lost the person I depended on the most. This post only scratches the surface, but it already feels like an essay.
I don’t know what to do. Most days, I just feel numb, angry, or unbearably sad. It all feels too hard, and so unfair. I lost my best friend, and I think I lost myself somewhere along the way.

Last updated on:2024-11-13T13:44:34+05:30