Here I am again, lying in bed consumed by dark thoughts after a conversation with someone who means the world to me—but to whom I clearly don’t mean the same. Is this my karma? Do I not deserve a love that feels peaceful and secure? Why doesn’t he understand that all I want is for him to treat me right, to tell me he cares, to say he misses me, that I matter to him? To show he’s happy I’m in his life, that he’s proud of me. Instead, all I hear is how annoying I am, how ungrateful, how much of a brat he thinks I am. Yet, every time, I let him back in—I even fight for him to stay, despite him saying we don’t want the same things.
still, we talk on the phone daily, see each other all the time, share our lives, and help one another through tough times. We’re so close, yet we argue constantly, even though he says I don’t mean much to him. We support each other with our goals, care for each other’s well-being, but the balance feels so off.
Am I the problem? Maybe I ask for too much and push him away—that’s what he says. I’m “too much” because I show affection in small ways, like kisses on the shoulder. I try to hold back in public so he doesn’t feel uncomfortable, but sometimes it’s impossible because I’m so proud of him. I want the world to know how much I love him, how deeply he matters to me. But all he ever says is how little he cares about that.
What do I do? When people ask me what’s going on between us, I say there’s nothing serious, that we need to work on ourselves first. But deep down, I know that’s not the truth—I’m lying to them and to myself. This doesn’t feel like the kind of love God teaches us to seek. I want the love God describes—the one that feels right, that brings joy and peace. But maybe I need to become the best version of myself before I can find it.
Listening to Frank Ocean as I write this, trying to untangle the pain.
Last updated on:2024-11-18T12:00:15+05:30
Comments (8)
Remember, it's okay to let go of toxic relationships.
Trust your instincts and know your worth.
Don't let fear hold you back from seeking a healthier relationship.
Focus on self-love and self-care.
It takes courage to face these emotions.
It's heartbreaking to read this. You're worthy of love and respect.
Sending you love and strength. You're not alone in feeling this way.
This sounds incredibly painful. You deserve to be loved and cherished.