Hey guys, sorry in advance if my English is off

Hey guys, sorry in advance if my English is off, it’s not my first language.
So, I’m 19F and the guy I’m talking about is also 19—let’s call him N.
Backstory: we met when we were 14 and were in the same high school friend group. He’s trans and started transitioning a year after we met. Around that time, the pandemic hit, so we started chatting a bit more. A year later, when lockdown ended, I realized I liked him but also felt this weird “home” vibe. Now that I think about it, I probably liked him from the start. Honestly, he was my bi awakening. By then, we were both 16 and he was out as bi too. I tried to distract myself and convince myself I wasn’t into him, though.
The year after, I got into this intense situationship with a girl. It was messy, but it helped me come out to my parents. She dumped me in the end. When I told N I was bi, he just went, "Well, it’s about time, girl."
Fast forward to graduation, and he moved like 2500km (about 1555 miles) away to another country. We talked here and there, but nothing deep. I still had feelings for him, so I decided to just confess—like, why not? We were good friends, so I figured nothing bad would happen. SPOILER: I was wrong.
This summer, he came back to visit and asked me to hang out during our town’s local parties. We spent time with friends, chilled on the grass, and got drunk, and, yeah, we hooked up. There wasn’t anywhere to go, so it didn’t go further, but that hookup hit me hard. My feelings for him came back x1000, and I’m already super emotional about stuff, so you can imagine.
He wanted to hang out again, but I freaked out and said no. He went back home, and I stayed here, just... feeling all kinds of things.
Last week, we started texting again. Long story short: we talked about how we felt, and he told me he never liked me in that way—only sexually. I don’t blame him or anything, but I knew this would end badly. I started writing my feelings out in Google Docs to process everything because my brain’s a mess. Deep down, I knew we wouldn’t work, but I was still hoping, you know?
He didn’t know I still liked him, so I don’t think it’s his fault, but does that make it mine? I’m worried he might feel bad, even though I told him it’s not his fault. Now I feel like crap, and my focus for next week’s exams is ruined.
Any advice or comfort would mean a lot. This feels like a no-breakup breakup, and I have no idea how to deal with it. Thanks for reading.

Last updated on:2024-11-22T13:45:15+05:30