It's only been days. On November the woman I love looked at me and said It's for the best. This incredible glowing person sitting in front of me. The best thing that happened to me in the last 4 months collapsed in 4 words. We were having a deep convo but I couldn’t even look her in the eye cause the candlelight kept reflecting in her eyes making it hard to focus on her words. She just looked so pretty. I don't know how I fell so hard but seriously who wouldn’t fall for her? She’s authentic so smart honest sociable amazing a ray of sunshine. I don’t know how it's only been days it feels like a month. I saw her the day before yesterday got to touch her look into her beautiful brown eyes. She looked so tired. Every instinct in me wanted to cup her cheeks and kiss her forehead. I wanted to stand up while she sat let her rest her head on my stomach like we always did. Part of me still wants to text her Good morning my goofy girl. Tell her to eat today. It snowed for the first time this season and I almost texted Be safe on your way to work I keep checking our messages hoping she’ll tell me if this is permanent. Will I ever hold her again? Kiss her? Think about how amazing life could’ve been with her? How one day she would’ve been my wife? I’ve imagined her walking down the aisle so many times tears in my eyes watching the 8th wonder of the world come to ME.
I can’t fault her for the reason. That’s the hardest part. The reason came from advice I gave her. She needs to focus on herself her dreams and goals. She didn’t feel she could give me what I neededand I get it. But I would've cheered her on when she crushed it cause I know she will. My heart what’s left of it is scattered all over her place. Every crack every corner. My heart’s only 11 minutes away. It’s calling for me telling me to come get it. It's here, so close all over her waiting for me to collect it.
I’m going through withdrawals. Shaking, stomach upset headaches losing my appetite barely drinking water. This love is mine but it used to be hers. I don’t want something that belongs to her I want her to have everything that’s hers. She said she still loves me still cares. I don’t doubt it. I know 3 days isn’t a lot of time. I know 4 months isn’t a lot either. But she was different. She IS different. We clicked in a way I’ve never clicked with anyone else and now that part of her that connected to me is gone. I keep telling myself I’ll heal but my body isn’t listening. It’s shutting down, like it’s realized its purpose was to love and care for her and now it’s over. Why does it feel like death? I’ve been in longer relationships. They hurt but not like this. This pain is coming from deep in my chest and spreading everywhere. My friends can tell something’s off they can sense this break is different before I even say anything. They can feel I’m longing for my heart back.
My love I know I told you we shouldn’t wait for each other but there’s no one else I’d want to take your place. Nothing can fill this empty space except your eyes. That little smile you do when you’re nervous, hearing that laugh or the way your voice pitches when you say Nothing when I ask what you’re thinking. Feeling your cheek on my hand or those curls I’ve watched you grow out. What could ever replace these simple joys you gave me?
If this is permanent I thank you for the journey. Even with this pain even with this ache you’ve shown me I’m capable of love like this. Whether this love stays with you forever or slowly fades this love is mine. And you helped me build it. This flower that grew in my heart was always there waiting for someone to water it. And then you came. You watered it the first time when you beat me at Mario Kart. A few weeks later you took it out and painted a pot for it planted it in your apartment and watched it grow with me. It tangled in our laundry arranged your pillows so some were on my side. It made me fall deeper in love with you. I’ll never regret you. I’ll never regret loving you. The flower you helped me grow is too big for my little room but one day it’ll adjust.
I pray you get everything you’ve ever wanted. It’s been an honor to love you and even more of an honor to be loved by you.
Last updated on:2024-12-26T11:29:10+05:30
Comments (2)
Touching and so well said.
You can water that flower on your own. She just reminded you it was there you’d kinda forgotten. Now that you see it again take care of it. Water it at first with your tears but later with love. It’ll grow and bloom but it’s gonna take time. Be grateful you met her sure but also be grateful she reminded you that you’re human capable and strong enough to get through this.
Saw her today and she basically confirmed what I already felt. She still loves me but left to focus on her goals. Wild how the pain just disappeared the second she opened the door. I couldn’t even really look at her, but suddenly life felt okay again like it had meaning.
Part of me wants to be petty wants to feel hurt. how could she pick her goals over me so easily? But I’m the one who told her to go for it. Took a nap here cause I haven’t been sleeping at all (literally no sleep last night). She let me crash in her bed and while I was out she ended up lying next to me. I should’ve left hours ago but something in me just wants to wait until she wakes up on her own.
It’s kinda weird being so okay with waiting for her even for something as small as her waking up. There’s this random calm in the moment. Anyway I really appreciate your advice and will take it to heart. I’ll care for this bloom just like I care for her.