I’ve always had an avoidant attachment. Even when he cheated the first time, I left immediately. I’ve always had high self-respect i knew from a young age that if someone treated me badly, I would cut them off. I’ve always believed I could live without anyone, and I didn’t need anyone to validate my worth.
We got together in November last year. I was affectionate, expressive, and loving; he was distant, avoidant, and immature. In January, I found out he cheated. I broke up immediately and felt disgusted at myself for ever lowering my standards for him. He chased me bought flowers, gifts, Pandora bracelets and I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to forgive him, but part of me resented him.
For months, I treated him poorly I only reached out when I wanted attention, I was mean, and I let my anger and resentment out on him. Yet he stayed, he chased, he didn’t give up. Eventually, I gave him another chance. I fell in love again and even gave him my virginity, something sacred to me, believing he’d be my forever.
But the relationship became toxic. Cheating, lying, fights, breakups, and makeups repeated over and over. Even when I loved him, I was confused and angry at myself. He used my traumas against me, said cruel things about my past self-harm, and treated me with meanness and disrespect. That was my breaking point I told him I was done.
Despite all that, I gave him another chance. I wanted to believe he could change. I loved the way he chased me and showed affection when I pulled away. For a while, it felt like we were trying again, but the cycle never stopped. The hurt just came back in different forms lies, disrespect, and the push and pull of love mixed with pain.
Even now, after ending it, I struggle with no contact. I want to let go, but the memories, the love, and the attachment pull me back. I feel guilt, disappointment, and anger at myself. Seven days of no contact was the longest I’ve ever gone, but I called him again. I don’t know how I’ll get through this but I want to believe I will.
Last updated on:2025-10-30T06:45:05+05:30
Comments (5)
have you thought about journaling what you feel the moment you’re tempted to reach out? sometimes seeing it on paper helps untangle the pull
I haven’t but I will try
seven days is already a huge start. every day of no contact is a win, even if you slip sometimes. it’s okay to grieve and feel conflicted
i stayed with someone toxic for monthseven after multiple betrayals. those memories pull you back so hard, i get it. it HURTS.
we get addicted to the push and pull behavior. we miss the attention, the dopamine we received. it’s so strong that we forget the disrespect and all the toxic things we lived with them. it’s hard to detach but we can do it.