It all started about two years ago. I met this girl and only 18 days later we got into a relationship. We loved each other a lot, but I had a problem. Every 1–2 months I would go through a “cold cycle” where I became distant and avoidant. During those times I would act cold toward her. The cycle usually lasted about 1–2 weeks, and when it ended I would regret everything and try to give her as much love as possible again.
I admit that this hurt her. Every time the cycle happened I tried to control it and stop it from coming back, but the best I could do was delay it for a few months. Still, the pattern kept repeating throughout our two-year relationship.
About five months ago another cycle happened and things finally broke. We officially broke up four months ago. Right after the breakup I begged her for one last chance. She said she needed time to rethink everything. I understood that I had caused a lot of pain, so I tried to respect her space while she thought about our relationship.
Even after the breakup we kept in contact. I texted her good morning and good night messages and told her I loved her. She always replied, and we still played video games together sometimes.
A few days after the breakup, she met another guy. She started spending a lot of time with him. I told her it made me uncomfortable, but she said he was just a friend and that I shouldn’t worry. She also said she wasn’t the type to jump into a new relationship so quickly, and that he was still hung up on his ex anyway. I trusted her and tried not to make it a big deal.
For clarity: we broke up on January 2nd, and she met him on January 5th. During that time she was still telling me that she loved me. On January 31st she told me she loved me again, but then on February 1st she suddenly told me she didn’t love me anymore. On February 2nd she got into a relationship with that other guy. She told me he treated her better and said I was insecure for being jealous. She also said he was more open-minded than me.
I was heartbroken and confused because I kept getting mixed signals from her. She told me she was still “rethinking everything,” so I kept fighting for her and trying to win her back, even though she was already with him.
After a few weeks I started keeping some distance because I realized I was losing myself and needed to regain my self-respect. When I stopped texting as much, she started texting me good morning and good night instead. I always replied, and I kept saying “I love you,” even when she didn’t say it back. Eventually she started saying it back sometimes, but I tried not to make a big deal out of it.
We also started calling each other again. During those calls she compared me to her new boyfriend. She said that if she ever had to choose between us, she would choose me. She said that I looked better and was in better shape than him, and that he was a downgrade. But at the same time she stayed in a relationship with him.
Whenever I told her I didn’t want to be treated like an option and wanted to be someone’s priority, she would say that she didn’t want either of us and needed time for herself—while still staying with him.
Eventually she started telling me she loved me only at night. One night she told me she missed me and thanked me for not giving up on her. My heart softened and I told her I would never stop fighting for her. She asked me to promise, and I did.
About a week later I asked if we could finally talk seriously and decide what to do because I wanted her back in my life. She agreed and called me. During the call I apologized again for everything I had done and told her how much I missed her. But she responded by saying that I always say the same thing every time.
That really hurt me because I had been trying so hard to show her I changed. I told her that she knows how much I love her, and she said yes, but then she said she had to go cook food. I felt frustrated because I wanted to fix things between us, but she didn’t seem interested in resolving anything.
Eventually she hung up, and I got angry with myself for wasting so much time. I had written long messages apologizing and explaining how much I regretted my behavior and how I had changed. But we always talked about her feelings and never about how much it hurt me that she moved on so quickly and kept giving me mixed signals.
One day I finally told her that I was done and that I needed to choose my self-respect. She asked if it was really over. I told her that if she saw it as an ending, then I was never really her choice.
She accused me of lying about the promise I made not to give up on her. She said that after two years she had finally gotten rid of me, and that just when she started developing feelings for me again and wanted me back, I was giving up.
I told her that I was hurt and needed time to heal. She asked, “What about me?” and said that now I finally understood how she felt but was giving up too quickly.
I explained that I never gave up on her, but I was never treated as a priority—only as an option. She said that her relationship with the other guy would probably end soon anyway and that she still needed time to think.
I told her to take all the time she needs, but without me, because I need space. But in the end my heart softened again and I told her I would wait for her. She said she loved me and that she would think about everything.
I need ur opinion on this situation and whatch u think of it and what I should do?
Last updated on:2026-03-08T06:27:03+05:30
Comments (8)
this whole thing sounds exhausting for your heart. when she says she loves you at night but stays with the other guy during the day, how does that actually leave you feeling after the call ends?
i’m gonna be honest with you, the mixed signals kept me stuck with my ex for months. the only thing that helped was stepping all the way back and stopping the daily contact, otherwise i kept hoping every small message meant something.
i was the avoidant one in my last relationship too, i’d go cold then come back full of regret. by the time i finally tried to be consistent, she was already halfway out the door.
look man I feel for you really but do you see it being beneficial for you in the long run ? even if she may be immature do you see this person being your life partner and really question everything if you hesitate that's your answer I'm going through the same but can keep living dragged down
A Message of Support for Your Journey
I can see how much this is weighing on you, and I can truly feel the pain you’re in right now. Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so vulnerable—I know that took a lot of courage. You strike me as someone very smart, knowledgeable, and self-aware. You’ve done a great job monitoring your attachment style and keeping your former partner aware of what’s going on with you.
While I don’t have all the answers, I want to offer some support as you navigate this. First, I think it was incredibly brave of you to tell her that you are hurt and need time to heal. When you express a need for healing, someone who truly cares for your well-being would ideally respond with, "I understand you're hurting; how can I support you while you take this space?" It's okay to notice when your needs aren't being met with that same level of care.
I’d love to share a few things that have helped me:
The Circle of Control: This is a great tool for sorting out thoughts. We can’t control what others say, do, or how they react. The only thing you can truly control is yourself. In this moment, I encourage you to ask: What do I need for myself right now? instead of focusing on what she needs.
The "Reason, Season, or Lifetime" Quote: There’s a saying that people enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
A Reason: They come to help us learn something or grow through a specific challenge.
A Season: They share a beautiful chapter of our lives, but that chapter eventually closes.
A Lifetime: They stay and grow with us through every phase.
Right now, you don't need to decide which one she is. You can just focus on learning about your own attachment style so you can have a healthy relationship—whether that is with her in the future or with someone else.
Professional Support: You mentioned working hard to change. I’ve found that working with a counselor is so helpful for sorting through the "mixed signals" of a breakup. They provide an unbiased perspective that friends or family sometimes can't.
If you are looking for specific tools to help move toward a more secure attachment style or to handle the difficulty of "no contact," here are a few resources that might resonate with you:
The Attachment Repair Program: An online course you can do at your own pace to help build security within yourself.
Breakup Boot Camp by Amy Chan: This is a great resource if you're struggling with the back-and-forth of a breakup; it helps you process the transition from the comfort of your home.
"Fight Right" by the Gottmans: A wonderful book that teaches the mechanics of healthy conflict and communication.
Please take what resonates with you and leave the rest. Follow your heart, but remember to protect it, too. You deserve to be a priority, not an option.You are worthy of love.
don't be avoidant and don't act cold. it hurts. I am saying this from a girl's perspective.
Wow. Sad story. Im also an avoidant with cold spells I cant control followed by regret. And my ex was also deeply hurt by this cycle. And she also found a new lover that is more safe than I was. We have contact again since 3 days. So i hear ya. But we have to be honest: its easy to love someone from afar. But are you so sure your mind wouldnt push her away again once you "had her" again? Attachment style doesnt change easily.
I feel changed and I didn’t have the cycle anymore and it’s been months but I lost feeling’s for her and she always texts me one a time which keeps me in the cage that I want to escape. the only thing keeping me from blocking her is the memory we shared and I’m not like her to forget and move on that fast