I (24F) loved this man (22M) deeply, and I still do. I think he was my first love, and I’ve never felt that close to anyone before him.
Logically, I know he’s not right for me. Everyone around me sees it, and even he knows it. But it feels like my soul is still connected to him, still wanting to support him, smile with him, and be close to him again. I miss him so much.
I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do to move on.
I’m going to therapy, talking openly with friends and family, learning other languages for a work move next year, and thriving in my job. I’m surrounded by supportive friends, confident in myself, involved in my church and community, traveling often, and even dating a little. I stay busy, always on the go. But still, nothing fills the romantic emptiness I feel. These activities help, and I feel good about myself, but the happiness I felt with him surpasses everything else. It’s baffling.
Not even time has helped.
We haven’t really been together since last October. Almost a year has passed, yet I still crave his presence.
Recently, I started learning to rifles because he was a good shot. I signed up for a motorcycle class because he loved riding. I’m doing these things because it’s the closest I can get to him without him being here. I want to understand why they meant so much to him.
I wonder if he ended things because I intimidated him. I made twice as much money, came from a stable background, while he had a rough upbringing. Maybe he didn’t want to be a burden. But all I wanted was to be near him, to spend time together.
I get why it didn’t work out and understand how he was able to move on so quickly. It’s probably for the best, as my family says. But my heart still aches to hear his voice and see him again, even though I know it’s unreasonable. He never really treated me the way I deserved.
And he knows how I feel.
I wrote him love poems because he once wrote one for me and told me he loved poetry. I wrote about the beauty of his eyes, how much I cared, and how much I hurt.
I was there for him during a tough time last year when no one else was, not even his friends. I supported him when he was at his lowest. But when he felt strong enough again, he took other girls out instead.
I realize that I was kind of used, and I know I deserve someone who appreciates me. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m already investing in myself and staying active.
I’m moving to London next summer for at least two years, and I don’t see how starting a new relationship would work with the distance. I trust that God will bring the right person into my life when the time is right, but my heart still longs for companionship, and my mind keeps replaying the memories because that’s all I have.
I suppose it’s better to struggle with being single than to be stuck in a toxic relationship. But I just wish I could be free from these feelings of longing and heartbreak.
I know I’m young, with so much ahead of me and plenty of opportunities. But I can’t help wishing God would bring the person I’m meant to grow old with now, so we could start building a life and learning together.
Last updated on:2024-10-28T13:40:14+05:30
Comments (8)
What are some things you're grateful for in your life right now?
London sounds amazing! Focus on your move and the exciting opportunities ahead.
Keep immersing yourself in your hobbies and passions. It's a great way to distract yourself and find joy.
I went through something similar. It took time, but I eventually found peace. You will too.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's brave and inspiring.
The right person will come along when you least expect it. Focus on yourself in the meantime.
It's okay to feel these emotions. You're human. Give yourself time to heal.
You're not alone in this. We're all rooting for you. Keep your chin up.