Okay so my first love let's call him BIzzo

Okay so my first love let's call him BIzzo. He was super obsessed like always asking me out saying he loved me every day tons of compliments. Called me all night and if I didn't answer he'd call 100 times that was our I love you thing at the start.
I loved him like breathing for real. Those nine months would be the last seven minutes playing in my head when I die no cap. He was gentle kind reassuring not the best at comforting but a good listener and he was so into the most random geeky stuff. Robots costing fifty and seven hundred?! Like what?!
He always understood. I told him I might've read like thirty BLs but not in a weird way just liked the cute romances. He said he'd never judge. When he carried me in the water on our band trip I screamed in his ear Loved being in high school band with him. BIzzo's a drummer I'm a violinist. Our dynamic was so cute. I gave him tons of handmade stuff for his love and him spoiling me with gifts! Made a DIY Ferris wheel a Valentine's kiss shirt letters and paper tulips. Gave him 100 reasons why he should love himself close to our anniversary lol. We were soulmates right?
Made him a scrapbook for six months and told him to do the next six. It's how we met and I put pics of that and how we'd show it to our kids. Told him we'd do one every year for our future kids. Even wrote a marriage certificate promising never to break up to keep fighting 'cause we wanted it to be us in the end.so what went so wrong though?
Why wouldn't he change after I told him twice? He messed up my trust the first time. But like surely he'd change. He was the perfect guy...no way God sent me someone just for us not to end up together. The second time? That's when it started being trauma. It changed how I saw him and myself. Started bottling my feelings. I wanted him happy chill and he felt bad for what he did! So he was def gonna change. He loved me hugged me kissed me and was so obsessed.
I started hurting myself mentally because of it. Every day was a fight with my self-respect guilt and why did he do that? questions. When we had little fights I'd get controlling and angry. Why'd you do that? You love me right?! Then show it!
I held a grudge 'cause he didn't remember stuff as much as me. But I remembered the clothes the situation everything so clearly. Even with that my love for him was stronger. So I hid it got worse and toxic and started gaslighting myself. He's the one we promised. I loved him so much I'd rather destroy myself to be with him.
I was torn when he did it the third time. My first love BIzzo why? We both loved each other in this relationship. Why would you do that thing? You saw me mentally hurting sometimes crying at least once a week calling you names. Wasn't that enough to see I was hurting? Did you need to do it a third time? But now that you fully get it you'd change right?
When he finally realized I changed. My mental health was wrecked. And this was worse than the other two 'cause it was kinda my fault too but still worse. I couldn't stop myself from hurting and he finally saw it. He pushed me to my limit. So he broke up with me and my first love my marriage dream my future broke down in one sentence it's best if we break up.
He did it for me 'cause he knew I'd never leave that cycle. He couldn't figure out how to change and I kept holding onto hope even though I should've left the first time. But then he'd be gone forever. Couldn't smell him hug him kiss him. I was so sad it felt awful.
Before we officially ended he said he was working on a game about us. Where I was the main character woke up in high school then it jumped to adult me waking up for our wedding day! My friends were happy that even with the rough patches it all worked out. He said he was glad in the game that I trusted him and gave him hope. But now that we broke up that story and game are unfinished. Probably forever. I'm torn mad and sad. How could he leave me with such a happy game? A fairytale that wasn't real. We both saw it coming but tried so hard 'cause we were each other's first. I gave him my whole heart and he gave me his.
Thanks B for letting me love someone so much I gave myself. Never knew it was possible but you showed me a lesson. Self-love like when you'd tell me I'm pretty or cute or an amazing person. You gave me nine beautiful months and being my first? I'm forever grateful. Hope you get closer to God and improve yourself. Hope one day you'll love someone more than me. Now you know you can't treat anyone like you made me destroy myself. And I'll never love someone like I loved you in this. I can never give myself to that limit again and I know now to prioritize myself. Thank you I love you so much.

Last updated on:2025-04-24T13:26:23+05:30