this is gonna be a whole novel lowkey. So like I'm totally messed up writing this just threw up from the pain I put my bf through. Been with him for 4 years mad ups and downs. I've been dealing with alcohol and substance stuff for like two years now still am. It's gotten me into hella trouble. Lied stole said dumb stuff. Messed up our relationship before broke up twice even ended up in the psych ward for a month. Through all that all the crap I put him through he's always been there my rock. Helped me with money long talks about my mental health got my meds the works. I'm so disgusted with myself for what I just did. No excuses just trying to explain my side now sorry if this is all over the place I'm freaking out. For the past year ish things were actually good barely argued I wasn't drinking as much we talked. But intimacy was a thing. My love language is touch his is the opposite. He doesn't touch me much and when I ask for a hug it feels forced like he doesn't wanna. Makes me feel so unloved it sucks. I've talked to him about it a bunch of times how he doesn't touch me and how it makes me feel and he said he'd try but hasn't really. But now I feel selfish even saying that cause of my drinking still. Anyway not only that but the sex hasn't been there for a while. He started SSRIs like 4 months ago can lower libido totally got it at first but now it's maybe once or twice a month and it's not intimate at all. Barely kisses me or touches me kinda just let's get this over with type vibe. It's been affecting me way more than I realized tried talking to him but not much changed.
Now I'm not perfect at all he's asked stuff of me I haven't fully done and I don't wanna be selfish 'cause I know he's done stuff for me too.
So last night I decided to drink. My thing is when I drink I don't stop I get wasted. Got home from the bar think I got lonely honestly don't remember much it's a blur. Started adding random people on Snap girls and guys to talk to which I know is so messed up. Never done that before don't know why I did. Ended up talking to this guy I knew from high school or something and he asked to come over. Wasn't thinking anything wasn't thinking at all. I ended up sleeping with him NEVER done anything like that before. I feel like the worst person ever like I deserve nothing. How could I do this to someone I literally talk about building a life with who's supported me through everything? My boyfriend found out this morning and I told him. My heart hurts I've thrown up 'cause I'm disgusted with myself. He said this is the line and I crossed it and he wants to break up and is coming to get his stuff after work. I don't know what to do can't just throw away 4 years can't move on he's my best friend. I feel so bad for what I did absolutely vile. Don't know why I did it. Can't breathe right now. I don't want to break up don't know what to do. He's literally the love of my life and I'll do anything to make sure he doesn't leave and we can be together. I know what I did. I know how much that can hurt 'cause it happened to me. I just need help don't know what to say what to do. Begging you guys for help cause I can't live without him. He's the most amazing guy I know.
He also said he's coming after work to pick his stuff up and wants me to put it in a bag. I don't know what or how I'm gonna do that.
Last updated on:2025-05-07T04:21:34+05:30
Comments (9)
I am really sorry but I feel it's not the dependency on relationship but your happiness is what you need to find out first.You need lot of support and person determination to sort out things that have been troubling you and causing the behaviour.Totally empathizing with you but instead of feeling sorry if you could go all lengths to transform yourself it may totally be the best decision you could ever take
Ignoring last night it kinda sounds like you weren't even that happy anyway. You probably just liked that he was there like a safe backup option.
I know it feels like forever from now but you def need to use this time to fully reset yourself. Just focus on you and def don't rush into anything with anyone else tho.
one thing that helps when my head's all chaotic is this weird thing called room of selves. Basically I just sit in silence no phone just me. Then I imagine this house in my mind with a bunch of rooms. Each room has a different me in it. Like one room's got the sad me another's the super angry me. Sometimes it's the tired one or the me that just wants to give up. Whatever I'm feeling at the time.
sometimes I just doodle the rooms on paper and label em like messy drawings.
Then I pick a room to go into in my head. I walk in and just look around at what that version of me is doing. Sometimes they're just curled up in a ball. Sometimes straight up yelling. Sometimes just blankly staring at a wall. I don't talk to em or try to fix anything. I just watch like I'm some kind of alien or something just existing there.
Okay fr this sounds like it could actually slap gonna try it out tho
yeah he's kinda right about the breakup. Learn from it and just live with what happened. You both should just move on separately tho
sobriety and recovery first no cap. Get into treatment and hit up AA let this be your rock bottom moment. He needs his space to heal too so give him that and show him you're serious about changing through what you do not just what you say.
but like you already wasted seven years. He gets to react however he wants to your messed-up behavior
Yeah you're right I don't and I know that I couldn't just ditch it even if he cheated like no way I wouldn't be able to
@dieheart Okay but like that doesn't even matter cuz you're the one who cheated not him. And your profile kinda screams it wasn't a mistake. Not that that's even a thing anyway. You just gotta let him go tho.