I can't do any connection with him

I can't do any connection with him. It sends me spiraling and I can't handle it. I love him but my love's so messed up after everything we went through cuz of him. If only him were chill about it instead of mad. Wish he understood why I felt like I had to do it. his anger just shuts me down. I'm shutting down. I'd rather be silent than let all that years of hurt finally get acknowledged. I'm ready to totally shut down. Rather keep it all to myself. How I was before we met. Never letting myself feel sad or hurt by others. I want to be understood. I want to be held and told to snap out of it that he here holding me down cuz I can't do it alone. For him to see my pain and make it stop so it never messes things up again. Shutting down all feelings emotions connection and attachment to him feels like my only choice. I love him. But I feel best just shutting down now.