The weirdest thing happened yesterday

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. After crying my eyes out to not one but two therapists, and more or less doubling down on saying I hope that he comes back to me one day, including when my stepmom called basically saying I need to find someone new and better situated and he wasn’t meant for me, it was hard for me to not disagree. Like since the breakup Friday/Saturday and every day since, I have felt that yes, who we currently are are not compatible right now because he’s got a years long divorce stressing him out still, he’s going to be in the red every month because the courts awarded her $3k a month from him, his current job stability felt uncertain and he started to get depressed and spiral out from financial stress. Add to that our long distance visits every month are expensive. He’s all over the place and it led to him being more impatient with me, pulling away, being more defensive about everything, seeming like he lost respect for me sometimes, threatening breakups, and being oversensitive to every little comment I’d make, negative or not. Meanwhile, I was widowed in 2020 & have all kinds of unresolved trauma & continue to work on anxious attachment, depression, some social anxieties from isolating myself more because of the depression (which he didn’t really know about), and now lack of confidence because I gained some weight, financially because I’m between jobs, and not getting the jobs I’ve applied for even though I’m over qualified. So this last visit was always going to be a recipe for disaster, we fought in a toxic way like every other day, and we never have done that before. But now we’ve both seen an ugly side to the other. The only way that would improve is if we both did work on ourselves and he seemed hesitant to get therapy himself for his depression & divorce stress, his solution was that we just need to break up and get over each other because to him it can never be fixed. I rejected that idea, and though I’m no contact, was clinging tightly to a “one day”. But last night I went for a walk around the block and this relief feeling washed over me & I feel numb again. Like yesterday day I would have taken him right back but during that walk, I was like whoa, did you even really want to move to another country & deal with his ex & being broke for years with him. I felt like I could do better, will do better. Like how is all that mess a catch? I was loveblind so I was willing to do anything before, but midwalk I was like you’re the catch. Keep working on yourself and get out of this rut and the universe will bring love to you again. And if he reached out today, I’d say it was too soon as I’d know he hasn’t had any time to make any positive changes yet so I’d probably tell him I’d like to start super slow and only as friends until he’s actually out of his rut and can offer a more attractive place to uproot my life and move to. Less than a week and feeling better? This is a record for me, it’s almost like my body knows staying with him right now would have just worsened my depression but this time apart, I’m forcing myself to try to grow & thrive & heal & start an antidepressant, lose some weight, work out more, get a new job, & feel happy again. Because I’m a terrible partner when I’m not happy inside, and apparently so is he. So only time will tell, I hope this feeling lasts and I don’t go back to the all day crying because it hurts so bad.

Last updated on:2025-08-01T02:29:02+05:30