so 85 days no contact. it feels weird to think that 85 days ago I saw her at barter fair. even said hello. almost 5 months ago she cheated again and then walked out of my life after I wouldnt agree to a poly relationship. 2 weeks before our 5 year wedding anniversary. today I've just struggled with sadness. Just periodic waves of crushing sadness. I got off work and came home to emptiness, made dinner for 1, and have just sat here. TV is on but more for noise then to watch. most the time I do ok, or at least I tell myself I am doing ok. I even had a friend stay a few days. went swimming, played pool at the bar, talked, cuddled, we got along pretty well. but I've been so abused and neglected in my relationships I dont trust any of it. she called me handsome and all I could think is what do u want from me. she messaged when she went home that she missed me and again all I can think is what r u trying to use me for, how long until u cheat and leave, and if she does actually like me to whatever degree, why? idk my thoughts are just jumbled. I miss feeling loved and knowing I was never going to be alone again, and that I was my person's, person. I just wanna cry but I dont even know if I can anymore. sorry for the depressing post I just wanted to get my thoughts out without getting flack on facebook
Last updated on:2025-08-11T08:39:02+05:30
Comments (6)
you been carrying that doubt for a while. even when someone new is kind it feels like another setup.
sounds like your guard is still up from all the hurt. i get it. i used to question every kind thing too.
i remember just staring at the tv like it owed me something. food went cold. nothing felt safe. every nice word felt like bait.
I read somewhere that the reason why we are left is because we put these people on a pedestal. we became inferier, weaker, they knew we’d never Stand our ground or leave if they hurt us. the universe, the article said, doesn’t like unequal relationships in that regard. it made sense to me, I lacked self esteem, I became hurt easily, I cried every time I was hurt and I didn’t stand my ground when I should have. he had to leave me because I gave him too much power, I was weak and my self esteem was and is still very low. I am not only heartbroken but I am merely living, kind of like you. I have been looking into how I can serve myself and not others because when I forget myself I hurt. I believe we will get through this but mourning, true mourning, takes time and some suspect two years. we are mourning the love and person we thought we had. people don’t change they just show you who they truly are in the end.
odk if I can do another year and a half of this
yeah once bitten twice shy. that happens. you have you keep the faith to be able to love again. hope u heal soon. ♥️