Every time I reached the clarity that I deserved more than what I was tolerating, I felt proud of myself. I knew I had more self-respect than to keep accepting the betrayal. But there were moments of weakness too. I would remember the good times, focus on the kind parts of his nature, and in doing so I would almost forget the hurt he caused me. That cycle — my head knowing the truth while my heart pulled me back — became exhausting.
This time I’ve left, and I’ve managed to stay away. He still sends me messages during no contact, saying he’ll wait for me and that he wants no one else. But I don’t see that as love. Because if you truly love someone, how do you betray them like that? At best, maybe he does love me in his own flawed way, but love without respect, consistency, and loyalty isn’t the kind of love I want. I’ve accepted that before — I’ve settled for mediocre love, telling myself that was all I deserved. But I’m challenging that mindset now, and fighting for something better.
Some days, it’s harder than others. I think about reaching out. I think about the comfort of having him there, even though I know that comfort was always an illusion. Right now, it hurts both ways — it hurts to be with him, but it also hurts to be without him. I’m just trying to find my feet again, to rebuild myself as a person outside of the relationship.
It’s not easy. I’m in my early twenties, living abroad, and I don’t have much of a community around me. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also my closest companion, so losing him has meant losing both. I catch myself wondering if he’s thinking of me, but I know I have to break that habit. I am getting better, slowly. What I’m still learning is how to give myself grace — to let the feelings come, to sit with them, and to trust that they will subside
Last updated on:2025-08-29T22:44:55+05:30
Comments (8)
this feels like you’re holding two truths at once. your head is steady but your heart still runs back to the soft parts. i saw the same split in myself, knowing what i deserved but craving what was familiar.
it’s most definitely a tedious battle. I’m hoping that I’m paying attention to the right things as to what this experience is teaching me. I hope you are in a better place my love !
i get the part about missing the comfort. i clung to that too, even when it was fake. it makes sense you feel both hurts at once. i remember telling myself it’s ok to wobble, it doesn’t mean i was going back.
I hear you entirely, healing isn’t linear of course! it’s just another level of draining felling like a tennis ball between two bats lol
i used to think if he kept texting me after everything then maybe i mattered. then i’d remember the lies and feel sick. i hated how easy it was for him to say “i’ll wait for you” like that erased the crap he did.
I understand your frustration entirely
This is very relatable. Exactly how I feel. Hit the bullseye.
I wish you a very full healing journey love bug!