If you would've asked me 2 years ago, why this guy? I would've told you he was sweet, caring, kind hearted, giving, trustworthy, respectful and funny. Slowly over those 2 years, i've watched it all slip away, bit by bit. Let me start off by saying his goal, was to get sobber and have a family life, I knew it would take time and I was willing to wait and make it work. With kids at home, I'd message daily to make sure he was ok and would see him when the kids were not around. Slowly, the messages slowed down, the interest faded, the funny guy who loved to dance to make me laugh was slipping away. The more he slipped away, the stronger I held on. I watched him get sobber and couldn't explain the joy I felt knowing he was safe with me at home. But the minute he felt good enough, he was gone. You see, respect started disappearing when he started using around me, even if i cried and begged him not to. Our conversations were almost non exsistent because he was so high, he couldn't stay away. His addiction was so strong that his main priority became how to get his next fix and I slowly made it down his list of priorities because he knew I wouldn't leave. When I would go see him, I was so unimportant that I would drive from out of town and still wait hours and hours in the car, just to spend 5 minutes with him before he started nodding off. But we had one thing that I never had before with him, trust. He was always honest with me. The visits got more and more nerve wracking, causing me to be on anxiety meds from being so scared of something bad happening to him. But still, after 2 years and watching the relationship decline, I wasn't ready to give up. Our fights got worst, words more vulgar and hurtful, I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. The more I tried, the more he thought I was trying to control and the more it spiraled, it became a vicious cycle. The last few months have been the worst, he's been more wrapped up in the street life then i've ever seen, I got to bed every night crying wishing he was here holding me, until I got that message this morning. 2 nights ago we got into a huge fight, he told me he was sleeping in a tent and even though we fought, it didn't take any worries away. I didn't hear from him all day yesterday, usually he atleast gives me sign of life, I didn't even get that. I was sick to my stomach all day, checking the court docket, checking the news page for any overdoses, asking around to make sure he was ok. I went to bed my eyes all swelled from crying all night and had to take gravol, I was so worried I was going to be sick. Luckily, I have sleeping meds. I had to double my dose and finally fell asleep with no word. At 4am this morning, I get a message, saying he's ok but hes in shelter laying up with someone else. The feeling is something i've never experienced. My body became warm, my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears and my hands were shaking from anger. For so long I believed he was different and that's why I never gave up. I went through anxiety, enduring to be around a lifestyle that I hated just to be next to him and while I'm crying myself to sleep, wishing that those 2 years meant enough for him to come home to me, after begging him to just love me and be there for me, he took everything we had and gave it to someone else. For 2 years I went to bed alone, waiting for him because of the faith and trust that I had in him and he threw it all away for someone else. Words can't describe the betrayal I feel, the hurt, the anger, the waste of time. All the effort I put in to give him an easier life and to try to help him and he went and cuddled up to someone else, the one thing i've been begging him for all this time. The last bit of hope is gone along with the trust, the happiness, the security, the fun, the respect, gone. There's nothing left to hold on to.
Last updated on:2025-09-11T23:18:04+05:30
Comments (5)
the part where you doubled your meds just to sleep stood out. shows how much the waiting and worrying took over your body.
I feel broken. I used to be this strong independant single mom and worked hard and make everything happen for my babies and myself. I had everything under control and now I just feel lost. I still parent but hidden depression and lack of sleep. i'm not who I was or could be by keeping him around.
i felt that same mix of relief and heartbreak when he messaged me after disappearing. it was like my body calmed because he was alive but my heart broke at what he was really doing. i’m sorry you went through that feeling, it’s brutal.
reading this brought me back to when i waited in the car for hours too. he’d promise me time then vanish into the high. i kept thinking i mattered because i stayed, but really i was just background noise to his next fix. i hated myself for still showing up.
I want to tell you something. I know you are shattered. But now, this is not good for you, he is not good for you. Addiction is something we can not argue with or explain. You were not in a relationship with him you were in a relationship with this altered person and that person only knows how to use... you need to detach the two, the person you loved left two years ago and this is someone else, a version that is not good for you. So just let him go. and dont feel bad for yourself. you did what you did not only for him but also for the dream you were dreaming so let it go now. somethings dont work out. sending you hugs and hope you feel better soon