Hi, i've been two weeks no contact and I'm very happy about it. I feel lighter and I know it's for the best. All the negativity and moaning that he is all about is gone from my life and im feeling myself again. We were together for almost a year and he's avoidant and an adult child of an alcoholic. I was there for him and we obviously had happy moments but in toughest moments i knew it wont survive unless he started working on his traumas. He never did. And he eventually told me that he tried but he couldnt be with me. So I know it's for the best and I will be fine but today im having horrible flashbacks of some of more hurtful things and critical comments he said to me and I really wanted to ask you to tell me something comforting or maybe techniques that helped you? ive been doing lots but today nothing helps :( can you tell me something nice?
Last updated on:2025-10-01T01:37:32+05:30
Comments (10)
on the days when nothing works for me, i literally just let it be messy. i’ll cry, go for a long walk, or write down every nasty comment he said and then rip it up. it’s not magic but it helps release the sting a little.
this is valid, very true. thank you ❤️
what’s usually been your go-to when the flashbacks hit? like music, journaling, calling a friend… anything that’s brought even a tiny bit of calm before?
i remember that stage so clearly. i went no contact after my ex (also avoidant, also carrying childhood stuff) left and it was like a fog lifting. but on random days the memories would slam me out of nowhere. it’s normal. you’re not “backsliding,” it’s just your brain still clearing the debris
Eres fuerte, eres capaz de continuar con esto y lo estás haciendo increíble. felicidades, no estás solo !!
Hey :). Congrats on maintaining the no contact and I'm glad that you've been feeling better. my situation was some what similar to yours, he had things he had to work on but in the end never did. it's natural for the healing to take a while, and while I'm glad that you are feeling good now, it is still kind of in the beginning stages. so it's okay to still be grieving the good moments and rememberinh the bad. one thing that helped me whenever that happens is to just let it happen. it typically only happens to me when I'm about to go to bed now, but whenever I think I think about any good moments we had, I just tell myself that's it's okay to miss it because at the time it was a moment in my life where I loved someone deeply. even though I know now that he never truly felt the same way and didn't love me in the right ways, but those moments, they were real to me while they lasted. so I just say to myself, "I loved you but the chapter is over and I can't afford to reread it." And then as for when the bad moments are remembered, this happens a lot for me even still, but I just use them as a strength bc even when they were happening, I would say to myself that I feel like this isnt how its supposed to be and this relationship might not last forever. my only issue was that I didn't want to believe that and would push it down with other thoughts when on the inside my head was so desperately trying to tell me. So now, I just let the moments run through my head if they come, it's okay to feel sad about it or mad about it, but when this happens its just showing the reasons why he was never meant for you. I like to think that by remembering the bad times, we grow stronger because now for future relationships we know more about what not to fall for and we can protect ourselves more efficiently.
here's a couple of things that I like doing to clear my head when it gets to be too much, I hope some of them can help.
-listen to your favorite song or find new songs that voice your inner thoughts about what happened. Ive made multiple playlists recently, one for when I'm feeling sad, one for when I'm mad at him, and another for when I feel free and don't hate the idea of love anymore and I have hope that I'll find it someday.
-bevin journaling. I was doing it a lot about 2 months ago, almost every night, but now not so much because I have more so healed since then. but for you, just write down the things you wish you could say to him,yell at him even, whatever you want that will help you. and then you could either keep it in the book or you could burn it or throw it away as a way to ease your mind and tell it you wrote those thoughts out of your head and now they're nothing.
-I had tried learning to crochet in the early stages, it wasn't really going well for me, but it is fun to try to learn so I would recommend trying that. or if you already know how to, just keep it at it, I found that even though I was struggling a lot with it, it kept my mind at peace without constantly thinking about him.
-spend some time with family if you can or your friends. I went to them to air out almost everything and it is nice to find someone who will always listen to you and give you advice. Try to find that if you don't have it already.
I hope some of these help. but remember you are strong. the fact that you have been feeling better after 2 weeks, is amazing. it took me almost 2 months, so you are doing great. just remember that you don't have to strong all the time and if those moments continue to come, let yourself feel them and as the time goes one you'll feel yourself become stronger and be so happy that you are no longer with him. and anything hurtful that he ever said to you while in that relationship, just know it means nothing. don't let his words define you. you are your own beautiful person inside and out and if he couldn't see that or tried to knock you down for it, don't let him. he holds no control over your life, and he never did. you're so much better off without his constantly putting you down. I hope this helps and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here 🩵
hey Bookish girl :) thank you so much for your empathetic and understanding message and the sincere effort you put in it. And all the kind words ❤️ You dont even realize how it warmed my heart and how much it helped. Ive been doing lots of what you tried yourself, im also lucky to have wonderful family and friends around. Journaling helps me. At first i did a few rage letters which i burnt but now i just focus on gratefulness practice in my daily journaling. It helps me focus on all the great things that happen to me everyday and I recommend it to anyone. it's one of the best tools to have when healing. Instead of crocheting i have my work out sessions and walks with my dog (my savior). For the rest, i absolutely appreciate and agree with everything. I absolutely love the part on which things to say to yourself when good and bad memories happen. thank you so much 🥹🥰 and after all, it will pass and it will be ok. Flashbacks hurt but they will also pass. I hope you're ok and that you're doing fine. Will be holding you in my thoughts :)
@ZappyWave665 I'm so glad I could help and so happy to hear that you're doing well. honestly I'm really glad I found this app where we can just air out thoughts and questions with people who you know are going through the same thing and don't have to fear being mocked or ridiculed for our feelings, it's really nice. I wish you a nice rest of your healing process and yes eventually it will all pass and we all will fully feel like ourselves again. But for now, just let yourself live through it, after all the pain we go through each day is just a reminder that we're human. And thank you, I am doing pretty well nowadays. keep doing what you're doing and you'll be just fine :)
well first of all congrats on going no contact especially after a relationship with and avoidant mine was and avoidant to and it’s really hard to pick yourself up after having a relationship with one. now on the good side this gives u the opportunity to really really work on yourself. just imagine the amzing
person u can become after this. I started focusing more on work things I neglected during the relationship I’m trying to organize back from my appearance to my work to my inner traumas. avoidant are usually attracted to anxious attachment ppl so most probably u are one too. this breakup will help i address your inner traumas as well and prepare u to be a better version of you. I always recommend physical activity makes u feel so good i do pilates i also meditate and do yoga journaling and each day im becoming a better version of me please try it this really helps ❤️💕
Yes to all of it, thank you so much for your message. I spent a wonderful day with my sister today and the world already looks better :) I hope you're doing ok too after your avoidant episode. Hugs ❤️