116 days with no contact and I’m about 6 weeks deep into trauma therapy. I realize it wasn’t my fault every time he made a bad choice, it wasn’t my fault that his addictions and mental health were bad when he chose to throw away his resources, it wasn’t my fault that I spent almost 4 years of my life begging him not to abandon me over and over again which he did. It wasn’t my fault that he chose to be the villain in this love story just to ask for victimization after. But yet I realize I am just now starting to heal. My therapist tells me that I have to allow myself to be in the moment and let myself feel, I began practicing fact checking and I know I made the best choice but yet a part of my soul still yearns for him, it replays the moments where I truly felt loved and appreciated, it’s a reminder every night that his side of the bed is cold because of his decisions. Now I truly understand when they say a true loving heartbreak takes time. When I was younger I would just treat it as a lesson learned and keep moving on but the older I got I just realized the only thing I wanted was someone to be my calm and just to have peace. He came in like a hurricane and dumped salt all over the life I was trying to create when I met him. I understand things so much more but on nights like these there isn’t anything that could not make me holding me. This is only 4 months in and while I’m getting understanding and clarity the pain of loss continues to climb because I am learning to let the last 4 years of my life go.
Last updated on:2025-10-22T15:54:28+05:30
Comments (5)
when you think about those 4 years, which moments do you cling to the most? just curious what sticks with you the most emotionally
I think it is the emotional comfort memories, the times where he was nice to me outside the abuse. Sometimes comfort wise he was the man of my dreams and knew exactly how to but then on the flipside he used it as the things to take away as punishment and completely reject me of them too. He also struggles with Schizoeffective disorder so I am still having a hard time trying to tear apart the what was abuse and what was his illness that still reflected off the abuse.
: it’s okay to feel the grief while healing. journaling every little thought helped me see progress even when it felt slow
after years with someone who drained me, i also had to learn it wasn’t my fault. those nights of missing him are brutal
you are doing a great job. therapy helps a lot. keep going. hugs 🤗