Me and my bf were dating for 4 years. we've known each other for a half a year before and he insisted on dating first. We were happy. We texted each other every day, went even on small walks together, even when my mother forbade me to see him, we sneaked on our small dates in the morning at about 6 a.m. My love language is giving attention and presents - big presents, so it was a routine for me to buy him favorite snacks, hot wheels cars, pony figurines and everything he loved. It was my obligation to make him happy, because he was the one who ever loved me and made me happy. But then, the war stepped into our country and we were forced to separate, since my family moved to safer place. But even then we texted each other every day, wishing every morning good day and every evening good night. And after few months since the begging of the war my family decided to go back to our city and we were together again. And til' then our life was better than ever. I got even closer with him and his family, his mother loved me as her own daughter and I felt with her as she was my dear person. But, good days always end and my family decided to put me studying abroad to the neighboring country, since "OH, it's Europe, premium quality education, it's safer there" and blah, blah, blah. And it was the point when everything started crushing. For two years of my uni we texted each other, send memes, played online games, called each other, I ordered him food in my homecountry and presents, trying to give him visibility of that I'm still with him despite I'm far away. He was my motivation to study, go to work, be happy and to get up every day. For every 2-3 months I drove to my hometown to see him and when it was time to go back to uni, I cried like I was going to somesort of concentration camp and every time the soothed and calmed me in his arms hugging me for goodbye. One time when I got money from my summerjob I took him to Romania for a small trip, as I wanted him to see abroad before we would've been locked in our country(he was 17 and in our country there was sa law that forbidded men to cross the border after they were 18, now it wad changed to 23). And also he didn't want to visit me in the country I studied(he was there once with me, but it was a transit from another country). Since that trip(it was 6 month ago) he started to act strangely. He didn't call me pet names as he used to do, he didn't want to have small talks as we usually did. This summer I applied again to summerjob, to earn money for my dorm and for presents for him. One day at the break I received a message from him "Yo! We need to talk" and I knew where it was going, because the night before I was feeling shifty about that. I left from work, because I got a panic attack and he said that for about half of the year he was thinking about the breakup and he decided that it will be better for "both" of us. I protested, as I was trying to keep everything in stable order, but he resisted. I said "OK, bye. Be happy, find love of your life" and other crap. He said the same. That night I tried to took my life, but, unfortunately, attempt was unsuccessful. Then, I got to rehabilitation center, but I wasn't there for long, because I got to work. He knew about my suicide attemp and on that base I said that "ok, maybe we can be friends, at leats" hoping, that he will love me babck again. But, almost everyday I cried since then. My neighbors in dorm started to hate me, because eof my night pannic attacks and cries. My relatives were frustrated everytime I talked how I miss him and want him back. Everyone knew about him and my grief. My sketchbooks were in drawings of him, my thoughts were about him, my hopes and dreams. I wanted he to be my family, my husband, father of my children. I lost my virginity because of him(and I can't have other men after that, because of my religion), since he said, that he'll move to my uni for studying after "the first time". There was actually a list made by him what I should've done to make him move to my studying country. I completed all the tasks in that list, even those he considered as "impossible". Yesterday we met, as I came home for a small vacation from uni and we went eating. After that I insisted to go to him and after a small hesitation he said l that ok. When we got to his home he said, that he sees that I want to talk about something and I was like "Nooo, what do you mean, I just came here so be with you for more". But, he got to the truth and we had a serious talk face to face. I got emotional, but asked him direct questions of why did it all happened, why didn't he tell me him feeling of hesitation since the first time he felt it and what should we go in our lives. He calmly said that he moved on and told me to do so. Honestly, I'm very angry when people say me to do such things, because this relationship wasn't for me as some fun thing to do, I wanted it to grow for a marriage and for a family. He said that we were too different for each other and I confronted him with a fact that other completely different people share lives together. He said not to compare us with each other and said that if we will get back together things will get even worse. After such looped talks I decided to leave, because I started to feel myself angry and crying. He led me to the door and said goodbye and I was to angry to replie something normal to him. After that I didn't want to come home and cried with cigarette in my mouth on the street. When I came home I felt the emptiness as it was that day when he broke up with me. I was too tired to cry, but started, when my mother called me. I was trying to talk with chat got, but it didn't work. Then I drank a can of alcohol and went so smoke some more cigarettes go get better.
This story lasts more half a year and I still can't move on. Things that made me happy don't make me happy anymore, I don't have a hometown anymore, as I don't have him in it and don't have the meaning to go back here for vacations. I don't want to study anymore, because for who will I work and earn money? He was like my 90% of life and now it's all gone...
Last updated on:2025-11-07T16:04:41+05:30
Comments (4)
you said he was 90% of your life — that part hit hard. what do you think that other 10% was, before he came along? like, the parts of you that existed before all this love and loss?
My family, maybe. I was existing, just to not making them sad
i stopped trying to “move on” and just tried to exist. like, eat something small, go outside for 10 minutes, draw one thing that isn’t about him. i know it sounds small, but that’s how you start building your own reason to keep going.
i went through something kinda similar when my ex broke up with me right after i thought we’d finally survived all the distance and chaos. i poured everything into him, like he was my reason to breathe. it took me a long time to realize i wasn’t meant to earn love by giving everything, even though that’s what it felt like. i know that hollow feeling when the world keeps moving but you’re stuck in that one moment where everything fell apart. you’re not crazy for feeling like your whole life disappeared with him. i’ve been there, and somehow, little by little, the world starts to build itself back around you again