I’m really struggling and need honest advice
I’m having a hard time letting go of someone who was emotionally avoidant and very cold with me. He pulled away instead of communicating, shut down when things mattered, and never really showed up emotionally — yet I still became deeply attached.
What’s messing with my head is the contrast: I cared so much, felt everything so deeply, and he seems able to detach like it meant nothing. His responses now are short, distant, and emotionless, and it hurts more than I want to admit.
I know this wasn’t the love I deserve. I know I felt lonely even when I was with him. I know he isn’t choosing me.
But my heart hasn’t caught up with my head, and I hate that I still miss him.
I keep questioning:
Why I’m struggling to let go when he clearly has
Why I still hope he’ll regret it or come back
Whether staying friendly is stopping me from healing
And why the emotional bond feels so strong even though the relationship wasn’t healthy
I feel embarrassed even admitting this, but I’m exhausted from going back and forth in my own head. I just want peace. I want to stop longing for someone who couldn’t love me the way I needed.
If anyone has been through loving someone avoidant or emotionally unavailable — how did you finally detach and move on?
Please be gentle. I’m really trying.
Last updated on:2026-01-03T22:58:28+05:30
Comments (9)
i get how exhausting this is… are you still talking to him? sometimes cutting contact even for a bit makes the heart catch up with the head.
I'm lucky to go a day it sounds stupid and sad but it's true he will either completely ignore me. palm me of or completely ignore I hate it!!
The same thing happened to me. Every time he ran away, I chased after him harder and tried harder, but in the end, he left me and ran away, and now I'm trying to heal myself. Dealing with people like that is difficult.
it is so hard trying to detach and let go! I wish it was easier
it’s okay to miss them even if they weren’t good for you. small steps help — block/contact boundaries, journaling your feelings, and reminding yourself WHY you deserve real love.
i dated someone emotionally distant and it wrecked me. i kept thinking if i just loved harder, they’d care… took me MONTHS to realize detaching was for me, not them.
heyy, so Im going through the same thing right now and let me tell you...it's hard! very hard!
you feel like it's a whole different person that you see now, and you start to rethink everything that happened in the relationship, and it's totally normal and okay.
the avoidants love to love bomb in the beginning of the relationship, so it's normal that you feel that way
they are scared of intimacy, they are scared that once you truly know them, you will leave. you have to think of avoidants as scared children, instead of cold and avoidant adults.
I have always been a secure attachment style girl, and being with him (an avoidant) made me an anxious attachment style, and it's totally normal, because you think "he's pulling away, I have to come closer" and we start spiraling because we don't want to lose them
your emotional bond feels so strong because you actually were happy in the relationship, despite all of the lows, the highs were great and you loved the initial version of them in the relationship
my ex was the same, he love bombed me, and was the perfect boyfriend in the beginning, but every time we argued he would just disappear and ignore me and my feelings and needs.
but we stayed in the relationship despite those things, because we knew they could be that person from the beginning, and we saw the potential they had
but if they don't want to be a better boyfriend/girlfriend, no matter how hard you try and ask for them to change, they will not change
they will only change when it's too late, and you have finally moved on, because they will realise that no one will put up with the stuff they put you through, and they will try to come back, but you have to be strong
you can only come back to them when YOU know that they have actually changed, and worked on themselves
and now it may look like he is fine and is even better after the breakup, while you are suffering and dying on the inside, but it's their way of coping with stuff
but don't worry, they will feel like that later, when you have finally grieved the relationship and started to move on
me and my ex tried to stay friends after the breakup because he wanted to, I knew it would be much painful still having him in my life while I was still in love with him than becoming strangers
but we tried, and realised we couldn't be friends with someone you still have so many feelings for.
so we are no contact
and let me tell you, it hurts like hell, seeing someone who told you they loved you and wanted a future with you just act like nothing happened, but it's their way of coping
they first ignore their feelings, and distract themselves, so they don't have to deal with the heartbreak
then they see that you are finally starting to move on and they will start replaying the memories in their head
then they will even try to reach out, because they see you are much better off without them, and then you will have to make a choice, if you go back to the old patterns or you choose yourself for the first time
some things that help me turn off my brain so I can finally heal and move on, despite wanting to get back with them, is to watch movies (if you want to understand more avoidants I really recommend good will hunting it's a great movie), or watch your favourite movies, or discover new movies or series
I also rediscovered reading, which was something I really loved to do many years ago and stopped doing because I had no time
I also started new hobbies
I isolated myself a lot during the relationship and I stayed isolated when we broke up, because all I wanted was to stay home, in bed, crying all day and night
and I did, for two weeks I allowed myself to feel everything, all the sadness, all the anger, all the self doubt, everything
I allowed myself to FEEL, I didn't ignore my feelings, and that helped me get better
for context, me and him broke up on December 8th, one week before my birthday, and stayed friends until the 21st, because we kept having arguments and I had enough of his walls that he put up, and the indifference that he treated me with
I broke no contact on the 24th to wish him a merry Christmas, and I asked him to talk in person about the things that were left unsaid, and he just said "merry Christmas" and "I have nothing else to say" so I just gave up talking to him
I humiliated myself for him, I kept begging him to come back, and pressuring him, which is the worst thing you can do to an avoidant
I hope that you heal and get better, like I am in the process of doing and if you need anything, you can talk to me stranger :) if you want we can exchange instagrams and talk there if you ever need advice!! hope I helped you a little bit:)
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. It really helped me feel less alone and put words to what I’ve been experiencing. I’m trying to focus on choosing myself and healing now, even though it’s hard. I really appreciate your honesty and kindness 🤍
it is so hard I want to let go I want to move on and for some reason I can't 7 months on and another thing he owes me money so going no contact is really hard and this keeps me tied to him. he doesn't pay when he says and I'm always chasing it's a vicious circle x
@healingSlow i know this is hard, but the best thing you can do is ignore the fact that he owes you money, and just move on with your life