A couple of months ago I used my boyfriend’s phone to locate mine. While doing so I discovered that he had typed into Google about struggling with his attraction to his ex. I confronted him immediately and he admitted that he had visited her Instagram page twice. Each time he found himself wishing he could sleep with her and reliving their past intimacy. He told me that afterward he felt guilty and even asked ChatGPT for help to stop.
I was devastated and cried over it. He begged me not to leave promising he would do better. What makes this even harder is that his ex was abusive so the fact that he’s still fixated on her feels even more traumatizing for me. We’ve been together for over two years and when I asked if it was the sex he missed he said no it was her appearance. He admitted he’s always had a fetish for Asian women and believes that’s part of it. He reassured me that he’s very attracted to me and that this has nothing to do with me but I can’t help projecting it onto myself. What hurts most is that I would understand if she had been a good person but I can’t imagine wanting someone back who was abusive. I suggested therapy to help him work through this trauma bond.
He’s attended a couple of sessions but had to pause because of financial reasons. We had been making marriage plans but I’ve put them on hold because of this situation. He swore he would never look her up again after seeing how much it hurt me. I don’t expect him to never think of her or never have a fantasy but the fact that he was obsessed enough to search for her is too much for me to handle.
Last updated on:2026-01-08T01:49:28+05:30
Comments (5)
i think this a tricky one. I wouldn't say it's necessarily a reason to end the relationship (he could be struggling personally for some days), but something to pay attention to. I think you did the right thing by communcating with him and hold on the marriage plans.
You need to end your relationship with him. There’s nothing that will change what you found out. Therapy would be a bandaid but cannot undo or change how he feels about her.
stay strong lol.
I would absolutely leave him over this. Just for my own sanity
If your boyfriend is still obsessed with his ex, he is not emotionally available and your relationship is likely just a distraction/rebound/bandaid. No part of this is healthy or normal or something for you to stick around and hope and pray and wait for change around.