He says he is sorry. He says he wants to be with me. He says he understands me and that he is changing, that he is trying. I believe that his feelings are real. I see that he is in pain and that he doesn’t want to lose me.

But in reality, the same things keep happening again and again.

I clearly said that meeting right now is painful for me and that I’m not ready. I explained it calmly, without attacking him. Still, he keeps asking, saying “it won’t be bad, I promise” or “I just wanted to bring you flowers.” I understand that this comes from his pain and fear. I know it hurts him to be rejected. But even after I explain that it hurts me, this boundary is crossed again.

When he is anxious, he says things like:
“don’t make me wait for you when you don’t plan to be with someone like me.”
For him it may be fear, but for me it sounds like an accusation, like a statement about who I am and what I want, even though I never said such things. I told him that these words hurt me deeply. He apologizes and says he understands, but later similar phrases appear again.

I only ever speak up when something truly hurts me. I don’t attack him. I don’t say “you are bad.” I name exactly what is painful for me. Many times I even say that he might not be guilty at all, that I understand he didn’t mean to hurt me. I separate him from his actions. I tell him that a person can hurt without wanting to, without being cruel. I don’t see him as a villain — I see him as someone who is scared, anxious, and in pain.

But this pattern existed even before. In our relationship, when something hurt me and I tried to talk about it, the focus often shifted away from me. Sometimes it felt like gaslighting — my feelings were minimized or turned into “you are too sensitive” or “it’s not that serious.” Even when I calmly tried to solve things, the conversation often became about him: how bad he feels, how hard it is for him, how he didn’t mean it.

I was always the one trying to keep the dialogue alive. I explained, reflected, softened my words, tried to understand his impulses. And even in small moments this pattern shows. For example, when I simply said “I’m a bit tired,” he answered “you say this so often.” It may seem small, but for me it felt like my inner state was dismissed instead of met with care.

So now I am torn.

He says he is changing.
He says he is trying.
He says he wants to be with me.

But he still doesn’t consistently watch his words. He still says things that hurt. And I don’t understand anymore:
am I supposed to keep forgiving and enduring, hoping that one day it will truly change?
Or am I allowed to say that I’m tired of being hurt in the same places?

I don’t doubt that he loves me.
But love is not only about feelings.
It is also about behavior — about whether I feel safer with time, or more exhausted.

And right now, I feel tired.