One of my triggers

One of my triggers is whenever I feel so tired and everything, part of me thinks of him and misses how he was able to provide the comfort I was not able to feel with anyone including my family I mean we are not really that affectionate and we had a lot of probs and stuff so yeah

But I also do know that there are a lot of times also where I need comfort and he knows that but he still chose to increase my discomfort by still doing hurtful things to me even he know it will hurt me or he just sometimes do not know what to do to really comfort me or what and that makes me think also that he isnt really the man that I need or for me.

I do know all of that but I admit I think there is a part of me who chooses more to focus on the things he was able to provide for me that nobody ever has such as the way how he tries to help me sometimes on my discomfort and unhappiness. How he will hug and kiss me and tell me things that will comfort me such as praising me or comforting words such as things will be alright and how he treats me every time with food to try to make me cheer up and stuff...

He was able to do good things to me but he was really inconsistent and a liar and a cheater or whatever that really made my emotions riding on a roller coaster.

I guess these are one of those effects of having an absent father, no friends, and dysfunctional family. I guess I was too strong all my life, I am the child in the family who is really outstanding to academics and one that really hardwork both on my home and to my work and to my school. It is like I have everything on my shoulder that is why when someone like my ex which is my first boyfriend, it is like I suddenly got a taste that I have someone I can rely on..

..but then it failed. (bruh suddenly teared up right now) but then I still got a taste so like part of me starts making fantasy about it and see potentials with him or part of me still think that taste of comfort and affection and stuff he was able to give to me was really rooted for such a genuine one which another part od me thinks it is not really genuine

part of me also worry that he will stop caring and thinking of me and start moving on first but then there is also this one side on my mind that says "Hello? Did you really think he cared for you that much for you to worry that he will don't anymore? How can he stop something that wasnt even there at the beginning?Let us say he still cared for u and loved u but it wasnt that much as you did to him so why worry for something that was not really provided for u? If u really think he care and love u that much, if you really think he thinks of u would he have done all of those bad and hurtful things to u even tho he already knows it will hurt or damage u?Even tho he knows already how you are such having a hard time on your current state in life?"

Last updated on:2026-01-19T23:29:03+05:30