How I Learned to Let Go While Loving Her Still

I met this girl through DnD of all things. She thought I was angry at her due to some shenanigans but I was largely pulling her leg. A meme later and we're talking and soon thereafter we're dating. She made it clear I was her first real boyfriend. We shared a great many firsts. Many sweet moments but also many fights.

Her family were quite negative. She herself could not stand up for herself and often fear of missing out or disappointing people had her pushing me aside. On and off we'd have good and bad days. The good ones were truly good and the bad ones lasted a few hours alone.

Eventually at one point or another I realized it was taking a toll on us both. Decided to tone it down. Get things right and do better. But her head had already started disconnecting. A week ahead in time in passing she mentioned to someone she had realized she had to learn to stand without me because she had realized she couldn't stand by herself. I never knew about this until much later.

Skip to D day. Started with a text I missed followed by another. A dream. A dream had told her I only kept her around to fi a space. I could never truly trust her. Never truly love her. I was distraught. I rushed to ease that feeling. To tell her she truly mattered. To no success. Every word I poured out was the wrong one. Every action every thought just pushed her further. I begged her. We could not do this over the phone. I made an excuse to leave work to rush to her home to see her. But she had left home. Both her and her mother. That's when I realized I was blocked.

I tried begging. Tried pouring my heart out but none of it mattered. My mother eventually spoke to her and we talked for 3 hours. Only 3 and I was blocked again. Following day her father brought some of my things I had left in her life to my mother's. So I stopped there to get it. I was devestated. Distraught. Broken. I looked my things over. All the same. Except she added some of her dice to my DnD dice bag. Filled me with sorrow. It was her saying we won't be seeing each other. I knew this.

I received some of the gifts she intended for me for Valentines Day. They were sweet. But I was filled with sorrow. I gathered all the things of hers that were mine now and put them away in a basket. The rest I gathered up. Made a big project of if. Crafted her a hand crafted lily, a 3D printed treasure chest. A letter more poetic then anything I've ever written. A elephant plushie. A chocolate. Treats for her pets. Her other stuff. Filled a jar with her favourite snack. Hid marbles in there as that was our thing. Boxed it all up. Had it delivered today. What would have been our anniversary. Seeing as she was content in involving our families I had my mother do the drop while I remained uninvolved. Her mother and mine spoke. Nothing big until my mother had to leave. How was I doing was asked. She wasn't doing too great was what was said.

I was filled with anger. This pain was being inflicted on me and I was expected to have sympathy. But I realized. All my efforts. All my strength came not from blaming her or to prove a point. It was to be kind and gentle to someone I loved. Someone I care for. My heart softened. My brow unfurrowed.

Because the truth is she means the world to me. She never had to deal with emotions so she ran for the hills. But I love her. Because she is and always will be my radiant star. A guiding light. The soft touch in a troubled world. The voice of reason when all seems lost and the smile that lights the sky like no sunset or sunrise ever could. My heart is filled with sorrow. Not because she left or even at her absence. I could bear any pain if it meant it was for her.

My sadness comes from thinking that somewhere despite my efforts she might still think she did not matter. That she only filled a space. I would move mountains to have her not sit with a feeling of feeling she was just a placeholder. Because in truth her happiness matters more to me than my own.

I unfollowed her socials because she asked for space. Blocked me on WhatsApp. So I unhealthily started scrolling Instagram to see what she was liking. Funnily enough. Nothing if significance. Quite silly stuff. I realized then I had to let go. To give her space. To focus on myself and try and grow from this situation that I either don't repeat this folly with someone else someday or if she ever did see a chance with me again. That I could meet her a better man, one more worthy of her then the one writing this now. For I love her. Not because fate decreed or divine providence dictated. But because I saw someone with a kind heart and chose to open mine. I have ever since chosen to keep it open for her ever since. Whether pain or sorrow filled me. I could not bear closing my heart to her.

I could have been better. She could have been much better too. Landed us in a right big ol mess she has. Both of us hurting. But me taking the biggest brunt of that hit. But that is okay. If this distance is what she needs to help herself. Then this be my burden to bear. This silence is killing me though. Gaming lacks it's charm without her. My day feels bleak without her company and life as a whole has just lost its luster.

Sometimes it feels almost too much to bear. But I can manage if it means I need to keep the flame of hope alive.

Last updated on:2026-02-23T18:09:17+05:30