Can abusive partners change? my ex's message made me doubt everything

My ex reached out through Google Chat (a platform I didn't realize was active) while he is on his two-week work shift.

He sent a high-emotion message expressing regret for pushing me away during our last video call. He said he "forgives everything," wants to move forward, and is mailing a letter once his shift ends in about 1.5 weeks.

​My Analysis:

​The Emotional Pull: I still feel a very strong connection and a lot of love for him. Hearing him say he wants our promised future is incredibly hard to ignore.

​The Missing Accountability: The message lacks any mention of the verbal or physical abuse. Saying "all is forgiven" feels like he is glossing over the core issues. It feels like "future faking"—promising a dream without doing the mechanical work to change the reality.

​The Double Standard: His focus on "forgiving" me for being on a dating app after we were broken up for a month highlights a cycle where rules apply to me but not to him.

​The Risk: I know that statistically, change in these patterns is rare (5–10%) without long-term, external accountability.

​My Current Boundary:
I am waiting to see the content of the letter, but I am holding firm on my requirement for safety. I will not consider a reconciliation unless there is a documented, long-term commitment to a men’s accountability group (not just a short 12-week course, but ongoing weekly program similar to alcoholics anonymous). I need to see a changed man before I ever consider being a partner again.

I'm just curious if anyone's been in a similar situation and gone back to a partner who was verbally or physically abusive once they started to receive help in a men's accountability group or course? I'm just curious if anybody has any experience with a similar situation. I'm also curious to hear from any men out there who could have possibly been struggling with the same challenges as my ex-boyfriend and gone through a domestic violence program and if they thought it helped. my ex has already done an anger management program. we did couples counseling and I didn't find it that helpful.