I got no friends. Like literally nobody I can tell anything and yeah it's my fault. From grade 1 to 12 I was in three different schools. Now I'm at uni. Growing up my parents were obsessed with good grades they regret it now and I get it it was their first time being parents. But that grade obsession meant I never had friends. I was so focused on studying saw everyone as competition. I was kinda a bad person too couldn't stand anyone doing better than me. No hobbies either. This went on till 12th grade.
After a lot of ups and downs I finally get it grades and good results aren't everything. Not worth wasting 20 years on. I basically missed out on all extracurricular stuff cause of that negative mindset. And since I saw everyone as competition I had no friends. Just classmates I'd never talk to after leaving school. Never been in a relationship either. My parents hated that when I was younger but now I regret it. Probably needed to be in one needed genuine friends. I was such a narcissistic and selfish person. Grew up like that.
Then came uni admissions after 12th grade. I failed the test for a big public uni here. I was devastated locked myself at home for 2 years then finally got into a private uni. Failing that test wrecked me then but now I'm so grateful for it. It showed me real life. Those two years stuck at home were probably the first time I actually lived beyond just getting good grades.
Now at this private uni here's the twist. I'm an introvert. I don't feel normal. I can't talk to anyone except my mom. Conversations are hard for me. I have bad habits. I yell at family and relatives get into arguments idk it feels good but it's bad. I don't respect elders anymore. All this messed up behavior and my introverted vibe seriously mess up my uni life. From day one I was arguing with classmates. I'm just not likable enough to get into any uni circles. It's been 1.5 years and I'm still alone. Nobody's invited me for a walk or to hang out or anything. All I've done is study and regret. Regret my poor communication skills regret not making friends even here.
But here's the real twist. First year when everyone found their groups and I was alone I barely got help for academics. I sucked at lab work but most classmates would just see my message or give short replies. Then this one guy in my class helped me. Not out of pity or anything. I helped him with theory. Even let him copy my whole paper once for theory. He's super smart just hates memorizing. He's handsome. Great sense of humor. Good at talking. Beautiful smile. He's got it all. But I never got into his friend group. His friends usually don't have good grades. So they're friends and I'm just a classmate who can help him study that's it.
At first I didn't see him that way. He's not even single. He's been in a relationship forever and I think he really loves his girl. And he's loyal. So I had no intention of falling for him. But idk it just happened. Couldn't control it. I'll never tell him cause no way am I gonna be a laughing stock in front of him or classmates. He'll never like me for sure. Even if he broke up with her. I'm ugly. Bad fashion sense. Private uni costs a lot so I don't waste money on makeup or beauty stuff. But I wanna look good too you know? From being young I was focused on study no skin care. My parents never even suggested it. I wanna smell good and look beautiful. But I just look dull. I'm dumb. Unsmart. Can't talk right. He will never ever fall for me.
Ijust can't stop crying these days. Every day I wake up thinking I'll never have a loving partner or caring friends. It's 2 AM here right now. I'm crying. He never messages me anything except study stuff and I don't message him either. Cause I know I'd annoy him. He sometimes doesn't reply when I send funny study messages so I stopped.
I'm just sharing here cause I got nobody to talk to. I'm living alone in a hostel room. No roommates right now and even if new ones come they'll just be temporary. The only person I'm close to is my mom. I share almost everything with her. But this unrequited love is embarrassing. My mom and dad are way better now they get that they shouldn't have been like that when I was a kid. But I still can't tell her this. Not while crying. If I tell mom about him or this uni stuff she probably won't get it. And if I cry she'll give sympathy then tell me to focus on career. She might even make fun of me. But whatever. I just needed to get this out. Talking to someone physically would help but that's not possible. So I'm sharing here. I'm already crying. Sorry if my English is messy or if I broke any rules it's not my first language.
Last updated on:2025-05-28T16:10:44+05:30
Comments (9)
Crying at 2 AM feels lonely but please know you are not alone in this. And as much as it hurts right now it’s not permanent. You will find friendships love and connection in ways you never expected.
It’s easy to believe that love and friendships are for everyone else but you. But one day you’ll look back and realize that you were always worthy you just had to believe it first.
Rebuilding confidence takes time but every step counts even small things like dressing in a way that makes you feel good learning how to communicate better or simply being kind to yourself when doubt creeps in.
Your past doesn’t make you unworthy of love. Your mistakes don’t define you. You are allowed to grow to change to become someone who attracts the kindness and connection you desire.
Unrequited love is painful but it doesn’t define your worth. You’re not ugly and you’re not less valuable because he doesn’t reciprocate. Love yourself first and the right people will see your beauty inside and out.
it feels like to be trapped in self doubt thinking you’re not worthy of friendships or love. But trust me you are. You deserve to be seen appreciated and cared for not just as a student but as a person.
It's super tough to just walk up to people IRL. Just be kind to yourself. We're all just doing our best with what we got
why are you trashing yourself like don't say you're dull or ugly. most people are just regular looking and with some effort they glow up past average.... plus you're in uni right now that's prime time. focus on your studies get that good job.. money changes everything for the better fr... not everyone gets blessed with real friends anyway..
Nah I didn't ditch my study skills. Uni study just hits different than school or college. That dude's actually super good at lab work. I always had to like rely on him in the lab. We're EEE students so I can't just ditch him. But yeah next semester I'm thinking of switching lab groups. Like moving to a different section for lab. Still not sure tho. And I'm so into him. Think I caught feelings like a year ago. Thanks for your time btw