Hi, so I had a + 3 years old relationship with my ex bf, we started dating when we were 15 and I’m 19 now. He was my first real boyfriend, my first everything. I gave him everything, my heart my body my soul, he was my entire world. I really fell in love with him deeply, and quickly and him too. So the first year was really good, before summer 2023. I was kinda really jealous and was scared that he’d cheat but I worked on myself to stop being like this to not annoy him. But there was this one girl that I didn’t feel, I asked him to put distance, he said he would but he didn’t and one day I saw her with her and a friend and went crazy, asked him to choose between me and her and he said « no, I won’t choose ». So yeah after that I stopped being too jealous or whatever that was.
Then the year after, he switched completely and He was actually the one that started being weirdly jealous and possessive/controling. He started putting rules, and even threatened me that if I didn’t respect his rules he would have sex with the girl I talked about earlier (I’ll name her C from now on). Obviously he said that because he was mad, but that hurt me, even though he apologized after that.
Then the 2nd year he really was controling. I couldn’t dress as I wanted, or go out like I wanted, I had to be at home before 6pm, he didn’t like my family that much especially one of my sisters that i’m really close with, I couldn’t have boys as friends and he asked me to delete a lot of them, I was (and am) so in love that I did all of these. But the fact is that he didn’t respect any of the rules I had to respect.
He could go out, talk to girls, rumors saying that he even flirted (and that was kinda true from what I saw on his phone) and yeah, I didn’t understand why. Oh and, He started being distant. Not giving me attention or love, he started being rude, insulting me, he wasn’t like when I met him he was a completely different person. We couldn’t see eachother that much bc he was always at the gym or doing something else…Then I discovered a video where he was like flirting with a random girl in the street, that a friend in common sent me. I was really chocked, when I discovered and confronted him he immediately gave me more love, saying he would change and that he regretted etc…And I forgave him, then after a period he started being distant again. And rude. But I accepted, I love him. That year was the year we started traveling a lot, to Paris multiple times, we also went to the beach on vacation and it was really cool. Over all he was caring, he gave me some cute attentions like preparing breakfast for me or, surprising me with restaurants, hotels etc…Like yk, all those cute little attentions that we love.
Now the third year, 2025. Nothing was going too well that year. I had a lot of problems in my life, and instead of making me feel better he would do things that hurt me like eating with a random girl at lunch without even texting me, or like proposing to do weird tiktok trends to another girl that I didn’t know about but apparently they were « friends ». Whatever, I accepted everything bc he kept giving me SO MUCH love at some moments that I just hold on to this. And he was like « You know I would never do that baby I really love you, you’re the love of my life and you know I want you to be my wife ». (Ps: I met his family, he met mine, and he is Christian so presenting a woman to his family is supposed to be a really big thing yk)
So yeah and one time I had that one friend boy, we talked to eachother nothing deep yk he was just my friend. When he saw that we were talking he litteraly accused me of cheating and threatened me, so I blocked that friend for him and never talked to him again.
After all this, I started being kinda sick of all his rules bc I started university and couldn’t go out with friends when they asked me, so I was kind of annoyed.
Obviously he didn’t agree to let me go out, until I told him that I was really sick of this and he ended up being ok, but like there were still some rules I had to respect yk. After that I left uni bc I didn’t like what I was doing, and spent 24h/24 with him (he didn’t go to uni neither). So yeah he was there for me a lot, and we really were always together that year. Even if sometimes, most of the time, he would be distant but he was there with me. He would walk an hour just to come to my house and spend time with me, even if he end up being on his phone a lot. At a time I though have s*x with him was the only way for him to give me love.
But I didn’t care yk I love that boy man. But one day, he was at my house and I was on his phone, I searched up my name on imessage and saw everything. That girl, C, I saw their messages I saw everything. She was asking him when they would see eachother again, he would tell her when, I saw a message from her saying « we should tell the others » and him responding « don’t do something like that, we said we wouldn’t. Lets talk about it first » and then he played the guy that was discovering these convo, he took his phone from my hands and said « I have to call my friend, igtg » and left my place. After that I immediately got in contact with C (that I knew bc we already met and she knew that we were dating obviously). She told me that it was a secret for nobody that my ex was her type, that they kissed in a few parties, that they went further (he ☝🏽her) and I think I was too choked to hear the rest. So yeah, after that he called me told me we had to talk, and said that his friend (the one he suddenly had to call after I discovered) was the one texting C with his icloud acc, and that it was bc C was threatening my bf, that she would spread rumors and destroys our couple etc…Like he was the victim yk…
After that we kept contact bc I still was in love with him, went to his house, stole his second phone (it was the first phone I gifted him so I knew his icloud would be connected) and re read all of the congo and OBVIOUSKY I recognized that it was him talking, like I know him pretty well and moreover they were discussing abt thing only him could know like: « I’m with (my name) this weekend so don’t text me, I’m gonna miss you » blabla…And they were talking abt having sexe, he was conforting her when she was sad etc…
Whatever, after I discovered like I said we still were in contact for 2 months but I was so mad at him that I treated him like shi (he always denied having a relation with that girl btw). So one day I was out, with a mini short, and he saw me. His text went from « I really love you » to things like « You know what you really are a horrible person » and after that day we had no contact for three days, which surprised me bc usually he would text me…
After three days I really missed him after all, and Idk why I did that but I hacked his instagram acc. And, guess what. He already found another girl, he was talking flirting and going out w her at night.
So after that I begged him to take me back, he denied at first, then after like one week or to of forcing he accepted and blocked that girl and we started dating again. After, I discovered that they’ve kissed. The day he told me he loved me and he would fight for us, then saw me in shorts, he kissed her and started flirting.
God I was destroyed. That was too much, but the only way I felt better was around him so I just shut up and stayed. He continued to kinda hurt me after that, saying that if he was distant it was my fault bc I was the one who treated him like shit during two months. So I accepted, then summer was here and we spend a lot of time together and I started having back my baby. He was gentle again, caring, he would prepare us dinner and set up his pc for us to watch movies and everything was perfect, except the fact that I was so sad abt what he did to me.
And this sadness didn’t stop. I felt sad, always. This year I went back to uni, he didn’t. And the same problems came again: He didn’t like me to go out or dress or talk to boys or whatever. That made me mad, and we argued a lot. But he ended up apologizing and being gentle towards me. But the fact is that I couldn’t stop bringing the past, what he did. Abd that was hurting him and he told me that we were never gonna work out if I kept bringing his old him. And I know he was right in this but bro I was just hurt.
So I stopped talking about it. But I made a mistake, I made a friend boy and didn’t tell him. He discovered, and we argued a lot he accused me of cheating again but I was not. So we stopped talking for a week to calm things down and he « forgave me » in a way ? So after that nothing really happened, except the fact that I was not feeling well with him. Even when we spent good time together, I couldn’t stop overthinking. I was like, do I really want this? Does he really love me? If he cheats again? I just want him fr but I’m scared, I don’t want to be threatened by my husband if I want to meet up with my friends at 25 years yk? I want a bf that can love everything about me, not only when he sees that i’m hurting…But bro I LOVE HIM SM.
And I kept overthinking, until, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY TF I DID THAT, I left him last wednesday. But I’m hurting, so so so much. I love him and I miss him, I don’t want a life without him but why did he do this to me? But was he changing? After I discovered about that girl and begged him to stay (that was last may, 2025) he didn’t do anything with girls even though if he did I wouldn’t know, but bro I love that man I love him to death. How is that even possible? Am I going crazy? I just want to be with him bro, is it impossible ? I just need him so much guys. Hiw do someone get over this.
Last updated on:2025-12-09T01:12:27+05:30
Comments (13)
Hey sorry for not sticking to the theme but you said "I worked on my jealousy and to stop being like this". May I ask what did you do?
Hi! So, basically I just stopped…When he would meet up with his girl friends I would just accept it, I started really trusting him and told myself that he would never do this to me (lol.). Even if I didn’t trust C, and that obviously I didn’t like their relationship, I stopped arguing about her after he didn’t choose between us. The fact is that, even if I really do love him, a good relationship should be 100% trusting eachother. And wanting to know every one of his moves, stopping him from being friends with every girl, not wanting him to go out, is just control. And I quickly realized that, and stopped.Bc if you really love someone, you shouldn’t even try to control them, our role isn’t parenting it’s just loving. If you have to control them, maybe question yourself about what you are insecure about you and what they do to make you feel like that, and talk about it to them. That’s what I did (before he ruined it all and became the controlling, cheating and liar one…)
i try to pull back from the question “do i love him?” and ask “does this feel like love when i’m actually living it?” sometimes that helps me breathe a little and see the pattern. you don’t have to make any big decision today. just take it day by day and don’t guilt yourself for having mixed feelings.
I left him, and this was the biggest decision i’ve made, and I totally regret it bc I really do miss him. But you’re right, it didn’t feel like love, but when I was with him I could pause all my life for a moment and loose myself in his arms. Ik this is bad, but I can’t stop wanting to be with him again.
This is so hard.
was with someone from 16 to 20 and i swear i didn’t recognize the version of me i became. same thing… rules for me but never for him. the cheating, the lying, the “i’ll change” cycles. i kept staying because every once in a while he’d be sweet and it made me forget the damage. you’re not crazy for loving him. i remember loving mine too, even when he was breaking me down. it’s just what happens when you grow up with someone and they’re your first everything. i feel you so much
But how did you heal? How did you stop going back to them? I just can’t, maintaining no contact for more than 1 day is killing me rn…
maybe ask ur self why u want to be with him. what specifically makes u want to be with him despite the pain other than loving him.
His attention / love I think
Hey, from what you said, the guy was a narcissist. Narcissists have no empathy, they can't understand the pain they're causing you, but they know they're causing you!! They can't live without validation, most of the time they can't live with just one person in a relationship, there's a high chance they'll cheat, especially if they've done it before. You can’t let go of him because you’re emotionally dependent. They treat you with love bombing at the beginning, and then they start treating you badly because they know you’re already emotionally dependent on them, and you’ll always want them to be like they were at the start. I’m telling you this because I’ve been through the same, and I’m still fighting it.
The guy I talked to had a girlfriend, he was a narcissist. I didn’t accept having a parallel relationship, even though he made me attach to him and fall in love with him very quickly. He gave me daily attention, until a few months passed and I explained to him that if he wanted to be with me, he had to break up. Then he made me believe I was exaggerating, that I had gone crazy. I blocked and unblocked him, he treated me badly but I kept going back because I was dependent on him. I ended up accepting his mistreatment and believing it was my fault for how he behaved.
He was willing to have sex with me without any remorse for his girlfriend, but I was the one who didn’t accept it. They cannot change! They need constant validation to survive. He wouldn’t admit what he had done, even when faced with proof! He made me unable to think of anything else but him, made me apologize for wanting him to be only mine.
Now I’ve blocked him everywhere and I hope it’s permanent. I still think of him and care about him, but any attention you give him will make him believe he has you again. If you forgive him, he will cheat again. In the moments when he seemed caring, he was only pretending. He believes he is your medicine, and that’s why he allows himself to treat you this way.
The only way is to stop responding, stop checking, and let him see he no longer has control over you. Otherwise, you’ll start all over again.
In the first times when I blocked him, I would obsessively check if he had looked for me. At the beginning, he did, and he made me come back, even though when I blocked him I told him I couldn’t go on like that. He told me he loved me, and I ended up believing him.
Now that I know I gave him many chances and he treated me badly and didn’t fight for me, I feel more detached. I’ve realized many things, and with time you’ll see that you’ll realize them too—you just need time without him.
I felt drained of energy, I tried to explain obvious things to him and he got annoyed, it seemed impossible to me that he wouldn’t admit it.
The way he looked at me made me believe it was real, but now I realize he was only pretending.
@WavySky681 Everything he gave me felt so real. And I can’t stop thinking : What if he actually changes? I just want to be with him, I know that I have to give myself time, but God knows how much I can’t stand a single second without wanting him back.
I don’t know if I’m going to make it tbh
@GlimmerDash635 They can't change, if they don't have empathy they will never care how bad you feel, whether they're cheating on you or not, any emotion they cause you brings them satisfaction, it doesn't matter if it's pain or joy, for them it just means they're still controlling you. It helped me to document myself a lot from videos on tt or to look for information. Believe me, it won't change, it'll be even worse every time and you'll have to start over.
I’m so sorry you went through this. The fact is that when I broke up w him I was actually the one who broke no contact bc I was hurting so bad, and he was the one who told me to stop texting him, that he wanted me to be happy and that we had to stop hurting eachother. I believe at some point he was actually a narcissist but idk, it feels like he changed a little, and why would he let go of me? I still love him. I really do. I know I shouldn’t go back but this is really really hard.