I’m struggling to accept that my ex may hate me, or at the very least, no longer has any fondness for me. To give some context, our relationship was amazing, but it also had many problems that, in hindsight, make me realize we probably wouldn’t have lasted as long as we often dreamed we would. I overlooked many incompatibilities because I was so in love and because they repeatedly told me I was “the one” and that we’d get married and have kids. I loved that idea so much that I eventually convinced myself it was true. There were regrettable actions on my part that were unhealthy and toxic, and they had their share of toxic behaviors as well.
Despite everything, I’m genuinely grateful for our time together. We had a unique compatibility that went beyond romance—we shared the same sense of humor, were best friends (which is partly why they took so long to break up with me), and had numerous shared interests. Because of this, I held onto the hope that we could become friends in the months or years ahead, once we had both fully healed. I clung to this hope because, when they broke up with me, they mentioned that maybe we could be friends in the future. Knowing who they are, I believed they wouldn’t say that without meaning it, especially since I never asked about friendship afterward.
However, that hope came crashing down when I stumbled upon their public TikTok a month ago. They made a video essentially labeling me as toxic and stating they had to escape our relationship. Thankfully, they didn’t mention my name, but it was clear it was about me, and the fact that their family and friends follow them made it even more painful to realize they were publicly branding me as toxic. I acknowledge that I’ve engaged in toxic behaviors and have worked hard to improve during the latter part of our relationship. But I don’t believe that just because someone exhibits toxic behaviors, it makes them inherently toxic. They also did toxic things, yet I see them as a good person with a kind heart. We’re all imperfect humans—just because someone makes a mistake doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, and the same applies to toxicity.
Seeing that TikTok left me heartbroken. I felt like I was experiencing a second heartbreak because I was losing the possibility of friendship. It was devastating to realize that someone I care for so deeply holds such a negative view of me and thinks I was a terrible girlfriend when I genuinely tried my best for them. I don’t idolize them; I recognize their flaws and the hurtful things they did both during and after our relationship, like texting me to “never leave them” just a week before they broke up with me. Yet, despite it all, I don’t hate them and never will.
It hurts so much to know that this person, whom I deeply care for and wish the best for, not only doesn’t want to be friends anymore but also sees me as a horrible person. I’m at a loss for how to heal from this. I despise being viewed as the villain, especially by someone to whom I dedicated over a year of my life, tried hard to be deserving of their love, and still care for deeply—even if I no longer want them in my life after everything that’s happened. I want to move on and stop thinking about them constantly, but reminders of their disdain for me resurface the pain and sadness. It’s painful to think that I’ll always be seen as the “evil toxic ex” while they remain “my first love who showed me what love could be.” I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Last updated on:2024-10-30T17:57:53+05:30
Comments (7)
Honestly, your ex sounds like a real coward. They kept you on the line with promises of marriage and family, all while knowing they weren’t committed to that future. Rather than ending things when it was clear they weren’t working, they stayed around, soaking up the comfort and attention until they were ready to call it quits. And now they’re on TikTok, broadcasting the details of your relationship for all to see? That’s not maturity—it’s just attention-seeking.
You’ve admitted the relationship was toxic on both sides, yet here they are, acting like they were the only victim. Sure, you might’ve made mistakes, but so did they. It’s pretty low of them to paint you as the villain while they claim innocence. Who asks someone to “never leave them” a week before breaking things off? That’s plain manipulative.
Now they’re busy sharing how “toxic” you are with everyone, instead of dealing with their issues privately. If they were serious about moving on, they wouldn’t be making a show of it for friends and family, acting like they were some kind of martyr.
Let’s face it: hoping to stay friends with them in the future is unrealistic. They’ve clearly moved on and have no interest in you. Maybe they should focus on why they needed to escape the relationship instead of casting you as the bad guy. Neither of you is perfect, but their refusal to face their own flaws while blaming you says a lot about them.
So stop obsessing over how they see you. They’re not a saint—they’re just as flawed and messy. If they want to hate you, let them. They can keep their self-righteous act to themselves. You deserve better than to be the “toxic ex” in their story while they play the misunderstood victim. It’s time to let go and focus on moving forward, rather than holding on to a fantasy that’s never going to happen.
Ironically, for the past three months, an anonymous IG account—supposedly not his, since he claimed he didn’t use Instagram—had been viewing all my stories. Since my profile and job are public and social media is essential in my profession, I’m used to some anonymous viewers, but over the last two months, I started noticing more of these anonymous "bot" views tied to third-party websites. Then, feeling hurt and defensive, he accused me of stalking him.
After that, I continued no contact, blocked him everywhere, and eventually saw he was now officially with his new girlfriend—the same girl he’d posted videos with just three weeks after breaking up with me. I tried to move on, but the anger and resentment built up. Eventually, I sent him a harsh message calling out his actions, said some things I regretted, and then blocked him again. Months later, I apologized, and though he forgave me and seemed understanding, the anonymous views continued, including from his girlfriend’s account. I was frustrated and wondered what I had done to deserve this continued monitoring.
Around that time, I began collecting pins on healing, attachment styles, and narcissism on Pinterest to process my feelings. It was genuinely helpful at first, but over time, it became more about struggling to let go. I hadn’t even realized that my Pinterest board was ranking high on Google searches, so anyone could see it, and since my job is public, it only added to the visibility. I hid it from search engines, but it was already too late.
As I kept pinning (and pining), he eventually deleted his TikTok videos, and my own pins grew increasingly negative. While some were constructive for my healing, I also gathered pins about narcissistic behaviors and toxicity, partly because it mirrored some of what I felt he put me through. He had been toxic, though I knew my behavior had turned reactive, even toxic, displaying childish protest behaviors I hadn’t before. I kept collecting pins as though I “needed” them to heal, even though it wasn’t truly helping. Knowing he was watching somehow made it feel worse. At one point, he even signed me up for offensive newsletters, including animal-related content he knew would disgust me.
After noticing another anonymous account “Ghost” viewing my pins, I instantly went private. But the truth was, I was struggling with my anxious attachment style, frustrated with myself for overstepping boundaries, and aware that he couldn’t meet my basic emotional needs. He once said I was the best relationship he’d had but would still criticize me, compare me to his exes, and shame me. I’d never do that to someone I loved. Pinterest became an outlet since he wasn’t obligated to look while being blocked everywhere else, and yet even 8-12 months post-breakup, both he and his girlfriend were still viewing my content.
I’ve now frozen my personal Pinterest to focus on important projects, leaving him with no access to me. I realize that he wasn’t as toxic as I might have implied on Pinterest, and in hindsight, I didn’t expect anyone to see it since few people actively use Pinterest now. I removed my account from Google searches right away, though it took a month to disappear.
@LennonSia It’s been 2.5 years since the breakup and 7 months since I last saw him. Last spring, I went abroad again and, in a strange twist of fate, bumped into him just 24 hours before my flight. I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything, but later felt uneasy, so I unblocked him briefly, broke no contact, and apologized for reacting so awkwardly. When I asked how he’d been, he mentioned a burnout and that he was currently out of work, while I’d just secured my dream job abroad. We didn’t discuss the breakup or his new relationship, although I found out later that he’s now living with someone else.
This has been one of the most painful breakups I’ve ever experienced. I was nothing but loving and supportive, but during the breakup, I felt the urge to act out of hurt and frustration, reacting in a way I’m not proud of. I think your ex might be going through something similar, projecting toxicity onto you due to unresolved accountability. On my social media, although some posts may have referenced him indirectly, I never mentioned him outright. I also reflected on my own mistakes. I’m still not sure how guilty or ashamed I should feel. In some ways, I still think my way of processing it all was my own business. If he chose to snoop, that’s on him. But for over a year, I blocked out all the positives about our relationship. Now that I’ve let go of most of the anger (though I still feel some resentment and guilt), the good memories have come back, and I realize he’s not a narcissist. He’s just a hurt, fearful avoidant who was emotionally immature and not ready for a relationship like ours. He even said I was wasting my life with him and that I deserved better.
Instead of taking that as an honest reflection, I took it as an attack, blaming him entirely for our issues. Relationships take two, and I wasn’t perfect either. I was compassionate, patient, and empathetic, but I also overextended myself. Giving too much drained me, and now I feel somewhat traumatized. I’ve questioned myself countless times, wondering if I was entirely at fault because I enabled his detachment and withdrawal.
It was probably easier for me to convince myself that he hated me, which he likely does now, given that I burned the bridge by posting things like, ‘If you push me away, don’t expect me to come back,’ or ‘If you see me happy, please don’t talk to me—I truly deserve it.
@LennonSia I just wanted to add that it’s strange how similar your ex sounds to mine. He love-bombed, made big promises, and was super sweet—until, out of the blue after our trip, he said he didn’t feel the spark anymore. I wanted to believe him, even when things got worse, because I truly loved him.
I felt genuinely safe and stable with him, up until he pulled the rug out from under me. Now, I’m still mourning him and, on top of it, feeling guilty for how I reacted afterward (if that Pinterest thing even counts as that—since I didn’t stop or hide it, even with him watching).
I get the feeling he thinks the same about me that you do about your ex. It was like he never stopped watching me. It must be toxic between him and his current girlfriend too because she’s literally recreated a photo I took in his (now their) apartment 🙃 (right down to the same sheets on his bed). I’ve even heard she’s jealous and possessive, which I never was. I wasn’t even an issue before we broke up.
Last summer, I reached out to one of his exes to get some closure, and I’m so glad I did. I had no idea who his exes were until I finally looked it up on social media, since I had nothing to lose and no bridges left with him.
It was validating to sit down and talk to her—she went through so many of the same things. He dumped her in almost the exact same way (“you deserve better,” etc.) and then showed off new girls on social media right after.
Looking back, I just felt so stupid once he started devaluing me. This side of him wasn’t visible for the first 9 months of our relationship, but those last 5 months were hell. Up until our vacation, dating him had been great—or so I thought, though the red flags are much clearer now in hindsight.
Anyway, sorry for the chaotic English here—I’m super tired while typing, plus it’s not my first language. But I’d be open to chatting more if you want to.
Sometimes, people try to justify their choices by 'moving on' in ways that tear others down. It’s an immature approach, but for some, it’s easier than facing their own actions and making real changes.
My advice: stop seeking answers outside yourself, and focus on your own growth.
My ex is a well-known YouTuber. She did the same to me, in a video watched by tens of thousands, despite everything she did to me. I won’t even describe the impact it had on me.
Focus on becoming someone they’ll regret losing but never get back.
Thank you so much; that’s incredibly helpful to know and reflect on. ❤️ I’m truly sorry for what your ex put you through—I felt worthless and awful just over a bad TikTok experience, so I can only imagine how painful it must have been for you. I hope you’re healing well, and just know that you didn’t deserve any of it. ❤️
@Walker good luck, you are not alone 🫶