Last April I met someone who’s the type of person we all search for

Last April I met someone who’s the type of person we all search for. I knew they were different from anyone else I’d dated but I could never have predicted the mark they’d leave on my heart. I had just come out of an on and off thing with my narcissistic ex. It was FWB no strings attached no emotions nothing. But I lied to this new person about when I last saw my ex I didn’t want them thinking I still had feelings. For the first time I felt safe with someone. Love felt safe like home. I could just be myself no walls. And they loved me for it. I even called her lily)
I’d never had kids but she had a daughter and I clicked with her in a way I never expected. For the first time I felt what it’s like to love a child like a parent. For two months everything was perfect. I was always real with lily never hiding who I was. I was in love with her and I loved her daughter like my own. We were so happy. She was dealing with depression and seeing her come back to life meant everything to me. But I didn’t know how deep my love for them would grow.
Then two months in my dad passed away unexpectedly. lily was amazing through all of it. But deep down I knew something in me was broken. I didn’t want to show that to her though. I didn’t want her to see me as weak so I bottled up my grief. It started messing with our relationship. I was super attracted to her but I lost interest in intimacy. I couldn’t show up the way I wanted to I just wanted to stay home and grieve. I used to have a Twitter account where I hid behind a fake persona to escape sharing stories that weren’t even true stuff that should’ve been kept private. It was immature and dumb. But in my head it didn’t feel real so I didn’t think there would be consequences. If I had known how it’d mess up everything I would’ve just been myself online. I deleted my account afterward and vowed never to risk my relationship for social media again. As I sank deeper into grief I did things I’m ashamed of flirty comments on pics trying to get a laugh not realizing people who knew lily might see it. Dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
My dad left me a big inheritance like life changing money. I thought I’d grieve and bounce back to who I was when she met me the real me and we’d get back to that honeymoon phase we missed. We were even planning on having a kid. Then my narcissistic ex started emailing me. I blocked her on everything but I still read her messages and deleted them. I had no interest in talking to her I was with lily the love of my life. But when my ex mentioned losing her job I did something petty and stupid. I wanted her to think there was a chance with me so I started making it look like I wasn’t happy with lily. I made dumb comments about her that weren’t true all just for revenge. The guilt ate me up. I realized that lil was the only one I cared about. I felt so bad I told my ex to never contact me again.
The next day my ex found lil’s Facebook and started messaging her. As narcissists do she twisted everything I’d said making it look bad. I know I messed up. Nothing excuses it. My revenge should’ve just been living my best life and being loved the way they never loved me. lily thought I was trying to reconnect with my ex and she believed the things I said about her were real. I was so embarrassed so mortified. I felt horrible for betraying her trust for hurting the one person I’d do anything to protect. lily broke up with me without even asking for the truth. But honestly even if she did I don’t think it would’ve changed anything. Infidelity was a huge issue for her and she’d found my Twitter where I said all that dumb stuff. She was left questioning who I really was and it broke me. I never meant to hurt her and now she’s walking away thinking the person I am is a lie. If I hadn’t done that we probably would’ve been together forever. I was the person she fell in love with but now she thinks I’m someone else. I didn’t fight to save us because I thought the truth wouldn’t matter anymore.
I’ve loved and lost before but this time was different. I lost someone I loved who walked away thinking I was a fraud. It makes me sick. I thought if I gave her space the truth would come out. But it didn’t. We both lost real love to lies and I can’t even blame her for it. I was the one who messed up. It was all my fault.
I’m not here to justify my actions. They were wrong. I didn’t honor our relationship I said things I didn’t mean and I hurt her in ways I can’t take back. I lost the love of my life to petty revenge and a fake online persona.
I tried for months to reach out to at least meet and tell her the truth. But I never did. I wanted to respect her decision and move on even though deep down I knew what I’d done. I told myself if it’s meant to be the truth would come out and she’d see who I really am. But deep down I’ve never stopped loving her. Weeks turned into months and I still love her. I can’t even go on a date without thinking of her. I’ve canceled plans with people because I can’t pretend they’re not someone else. I just can’t. My heart won’t let me let go. I know it wasn’t supposed to end like this but it did. Every night I clutch my pillow and whisper I love you lily hoping somehow she can hear me even though she probably doesn’t even remember I exist. I can’t imagine growing old alone but I can’t date anyone else and pretend I’m not in love with her.
If I spend my life alone at least I can say I never stopped loving someone. I honored what was in my heart. I loved her and I never stopped.
I just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe one day the truth will come out and love will win.

Last updated on:2025-02-27T14:24:34+05:30