After my 10th standard

After my 10th standard, I got into my first relationship. It lasted for almost 3 years… but eventually, it turned really toxic. he was over possessive .I felt like I am his property or a bird in cage .I wanted freedom.So I ended it.
After that, I spent a whole year in depression. I didn’t talk to anyone — no male friends, no female friends. I was completely isolated.
Gradually, I tried to pull myself out of that shell. It took time… but somehow, 2 years passed that way. Then one day, randomly, my friend and I installed Hinge just for fun. I used it for 2 days and deleted it.

I started meeting new people there.
After that first breakup, I had developed a cold exterior… like a wall. I had become so emotionally shut off that I couldn’t feel any love or attraction towards anyone. It was like all those feelings had died inside me.

But when I started talking to people on Hinge, I came across a guy, talking to him made me feel like I was stepping into a picture-perfect life… like he would be my future husband. He was a smooth talker — he knew exactly what to say, how to behave. I got really attached.But he turned out to be a fraud. He took money from me and never returned it. Kept making excuses — "I'll return it soon, just wait" — but never did. I cried a lot… begged him to return it. I called him 30-40 times, but he started ignoring my calls
Eventually, I broke up with him. he did lot of drama and start becoming possessive so I blocked him from every where.Even after that, the money never came back.But my hatred for him grew. Whenever I was angry, I used to message him on WhatsApp and vent it all out — really bad things. I was filled with rage. he never said anything in return .he just kept on saying he will return the money and he loves me but I don't believe him.Somewhere deep down, I also felt ashamed of myself.I had fought so hard to become strong after my first breakup… and yet, I had made such a stupid mistake.Gave my money — my father’s money — to some idiot, and then kept crying over it like a failure.I kept thinking he’d come back, say sorry, maybe even say he loved me…But he didn’t.Our relationship lasted 6 months.
Eventually, I moved on. Started talking to other guys . Slowly, Mayank faded from memory — and that’s when I realized: It wasn’t love.It was just infatuation, born out of exhaustion — I was tired of looking for love, and when something felt even remotely good, I clung to it like a comfort zone.

Then, on 29th June, Rishi came into my life.Actually, we had matched before — but I ghosted him back then because I thought he was just 5'6 (ya I am 5'7 and I like tall guys )But on 29th June, everything restarted.We began talking again… and the vibe, the comfort, the connection — everything felt so natural. So easy.The best part? I wasn’t even looking for a relationship after my ex.
He also had a breakup 3 years ago and told me straight-up:
“I’m incapable of love.”
So I thought — perfect! Neither of us is ready. Let’s just go with the flow.
But I forgot one thing:
I crave love.
I'm an old-school lover.
And somewhere along the way… I became stupid.
I got attached.
I started liking him.
We never gave it the tag of a relationship — but we used to say "I love you" to each other, played games together, gave each other kisses on video calls, talked for 5–6 hours daily.
It all felt like a dream.For the first time in my life… I felt love.I told my friend about him — I said, “He’s the green forest. A guy like him? I’ll never find again.”There were so many reasons to admire him.But there was one thing…
If I ever got angry and blocked him, he never came back to talk to me. He wouldn’t text or call.It would go an entire day — and I’d feel like maybe I’m the crazy one… maybe he doesn’t even miss me.The next day, when I’d lash out at him, he would apologise — say “I didn’t mean to”, “I’m sorry” — and clear things up.He did that twice.And the second time, I forgave him because he promised:“If this happens a third time, you can walk away — no questions asked.”On 22 July , we were on a VC (video call).We’re in this kind of situationship — and in the middle of some conversation, he said, “When I start earning, I’ll take therapy to understand why I run away from relationships and commitment.”
That hit me.
But I agreed — because I, too, don’t want a casual connection.
I want something real, something forever.I still don’t know — what I feel for Rishi in such a short time…
is it love, or is it just infatuation?
But I wanted a little more time with him…to know for sure.
And maybe, if it was love — I would’ve said “yes” to a relationship too.
But then he said something else:
“That my main issue is… I don’t form attachments easily. Not even with people in my life.”And something inside me shattered.It felt like something was taken from me — something that was never mine to begin with.On the call, I still stayed calm — but he could sense that I was upset.
Later, I texted him:
“We shouldn’t talk anymore.”

He said:
“Hmm ok.”

I asked him if he didn’t want to say anything… he replied,
“Nothing to say.”
That night, we talked again.
He said his mind was a mess, and I should just stay silent for now.
You know what?
Whenever I was with him — even virtually — I felt peace.
I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone so quickly.I’ve never even met him in real life because he live in other city and I live in other — and yet, he felt like home.All the things that used to make me cringe in couples — I wanted to do them with him.
And I did.
He even said, “I’ve never done this kind of stuff with anyone either.”
But when he said that “he doesn’t form attachments,”
I broke.
Because I had formed one.
But he hadn’t.

And from his words, I could feel… maybe he never will.
Or maybe… he just doesn’t care that much.

Our last conversation —
he said:
“I also think we shouldn’t talk. We’re too different.”

And that destroyed me.
Because when even the other person gives up — it hurts a thousand times more.

He cut the call and went offline midway through the conversation.
I texted him so many things — but then deleted them all.
Because it felt like…
there’s nothing left to say.
No right. No place.

I blocked him everywhere.
Because if I see his name in my contacts — I know I won’t be able to stop myself from reaching out.
So I had to…
Now, I don’t know how to heal.
People say, “Everything happens for a reason. God does what’s best.”

But I was already broken…
what was the need to break me again?

No one…
no one has made me feel as special as he did.
But that happiness lasted for such a short time.

I still don’t know…
what exactly was “good” in all of this.
"I feel like... if he was a bad person, maybe I would have moved on by now.
But the truth is — he was one of the rarest, kindest souls I've ever met.
In today’s world, finding someone like him feels like stumbling upon a green forest in a desert.And that’s what hurts the most —I didn’t lose him… because he was never really mine to begin with.
Maybe he was the right person… but I met him at the wrong time.I just hope he heals too…and receives all the love, peace, and happiness he truly deserves."

Last updated on:2025-07-25T01:58:02+05:30