This might have been my most delulu moment of my whole life

This might have been my most delulu moment of my whole life.

Today I had to go renew my school ID. I live really far from where I study, and honestly, I HATED my previous photo, so even though it hurt to wake up so early after so many vacation days, I woke up around 6 AM. We had schedules by groups to take a new photo. Right after my time slot, it was my ex’s friends’ turn… god, you have no idea how many images rushed through my anxious mind. I imagined my ex showing up with his friends to wait for me outside so we could talk, while I rejected him. I also imagined my ex’s friends seeing me “new” and telling him how amazing I looked… or at least, I thought I might meet my new classmates and make new friends to hang out with after the photo. With all those fantasies, I stepped up my makeup and outfit game. I wanted to look my best.

I ended up leaving my house late, there was horrible traffic, and after so long without going out, I forgot which subway exit led to my school, so I came out the wrong way and, HAHA, nope, it was a mess. I ran to try to make it on time for my photo, then realized I was already 30 minutes late and decided to just walk. My classmates later said that apparently the group schedule wasn’t important—you could just go whenever you wanted during the day. I felt scammed, but that gave me new motivation. I’d get there exactly when my ex’s group passed by, so I sped up.

I imagined the school full of new students doing paperwork (maybe my ex waiting outside under the excuse of being with his friends…). My surprise? It was COMPLETELY EMPTY!!! Nobody, not a soul except security guards, but those guys don’t count as souls… so yeah, empty. I went to the bathroom, wiped off my sweat, and went to take the photo. Empty! No line at all. Only after I finished did more people start showing up, but I left, because I didn’t know them anyway. Two hours of transport, one hour of getting ready, all for a five-minute procedure 😭😭. On top of that, everything was empty, so nobody I cared about got to see my attempt at "glow up" While walking to the nearest plaza to get some breakfast, I noticed a guy staring at me, standing still for a few seconds like he was surprised—or maybe it was just a hallucination from not eating, I don’t know. God willing, at least one of my ex’s friends saw me and told him, so I’d feel a little less miserable, LOL. I mean, I know I shouldn’t care about what my ex thinks, but… there’s something delicious about making your ex know what they lost, even if you’re at your lowest while he’s out partying and getting high… Anyway, I walked apathetically to the plaza, imagining I was in a video-vlog telling my tragic story, or hanging out with imaginary friends having conversations. Honestly, I felt so damn lonely in those moments. I had nobody to hang out with, and I thought I didn’t need anyone because I’ve almost always been alone, but… this wasn’t just being alone, this was being desolate. I texted a friend to chat while waiting for my coffee, and we kept texting as I went back home. I got off the bus a little earlier than my stop because I didn’t want to get home yet. Even though I don’t live alone, sometimes it feels like I do, or like I’m trapped in it. So I decided to wander around just to kill time. Then some anxious-depressive thoughts hit me. Like, many of my loved ones could die soon, and the rest eventually will—probably before me—and I’ll have to bury them. Then my friends will too, others will someday have kids and won’t be able to hang out with me anymore. Now, the idea of someone staying in my life just feels pathetic. I know nobody was ever guaranteed, but… isn’t that terrifying? There are so many people in the world, how is it possible that so many end up dying alone? But, ugh, I don’t want to keep going with that. In short, I realized I don’t actually like being alone, it terrifies me… maybe that’s why I fall into toxic relationships sometimes. Aside from that episode, I actually felt fine the rest of the day. Surprisingly, walking around helped me a lot.

I went to the same plaza I used to go with my ex, and also the one where we broke up. It was… interesting to see that, after everything, I came back there. It didn’t bring me bad memories, nor pain, just a longing to be hugged like the couple in front of me. Some places did leave me with trauma though, HAHAHA. I can’t stand seeing hotels. They remind me of all the sexual encounters I had with my ex, and it makes me uncomfortable. Something I didn’t mention in the story about how I broke up with my ex in one of my posts here, is that he and I had problems regarding sex—mainly him, because of his… performance. Later, he also blamed me, saying I wasn’t attractive enough, and other things… in the end, I was left disgusted with everything sexual, and honestly, anything suggestive now gives me a weight in my chest.

In the end, I’m a little worried. I’ve had episodes of depersonalization, and even though I found out it’s normal after loss or trauma, and more common than it seems… all of this increases my fear of losing people. I already know I can’t avoid losing my loved ones, so all I can do is enjoy my time with them… but how can I enjoy it if I don’t feel like myself? How can I spend quality time with them if I’m so scared to talk to them? Especially when I know they don’t have much time left in my life?

Anyway… thanks a lot for reading me until the end. It’s been a while since I told someone how I felt, and even though I know I’m not telling this directly to someone… it makes me feel better knowing at least someone is reading it.

Last updated on:2025-08-23T05:47:02+05:30