I don't want to let go of the past.

I still miss him.
It’s hard to admit, but oh! How much I miss him.
Sometimes I see him and I just beg the heavens: please, let him look at me, think of me, say something to me.
It’s strange, because I don’t want to get back with him—yet I crave his embrace, his arms holding me, whispering that he loves me…
Not long ago, I met someone new. He says he’s in love with me (pathetic, really—he barely knows me, and I know he’s just playing Romeo to get me into bed). Still, he gives me what no one else ever has: flowers, food, poems, even songs he writes for me. Too much, in fact. He’s even working on an entire book of poems about me.
On the second day we met, the moment just happened and we kissed. But I felt incredibly guilty and begged him not to repeat it.
Last weekend, I ended up alone with him—and, well, we kissed again. This time it went further. And when I kissed him, it felt like my very first kiss all over again: I felt dizzy, light, happy… like it was just him and me in the whole world. Yet, when I looked into his eyes afterward, a wave of sadness hit me.
His eyes were brown, just like my ex’s. And that look… so calm, unlike my ex’s, who always carried that sadness I got used to. But still, in this new guy’s eyes, I saw his.
After the kiss (and a bit more), I went quiet. I felt calm, but also unsettled—like a weight pressing against my chest, something I can’t quite put into words.
He already knows I haven’t moved on from my ex—I told him straight to his face. He said he understands and wants to be by my side through the process. I suggested we just stay friends, but he won’t stop showering me with gifts and compliments, calling me “the woman of his dreams,” even though he barely knows me.
The truth is, he doesn’t want to know me. He rarely asks me things. When I speak, it feels like he uses flattery to silence me. He forgets what I say, repeats the same questions… He doesn’t love me. I don’t even think I interest him. He broke up with his girlfriend just weeks ago—it’s obvious he just wants to fill that void with me. Maybe I’m doing the same. But every time we kiss, deep down, I’m wishing my ex would show up and pull me away from him.
I cut all ties with my ex—I blocked him everywhere and haven’t spoken to him since the breakup. But he still drifts into my mind, like a ghost, and all I want is for him to linger a little longer. So now, every time he shows up in my thoughts, I don’t stop him. I drown in him—it’s all I have left of him. Yes, he didn’t love me. But I loved him.
I don’t want him back—I can’t forgive the way he used me so shamelessly. But still, I replay our happy moments over and over. The few we had, back when I didn’t know anything, back when I felt so loved. I wasn’t afraid to love, I didn’t doubt him, I didn’t suspect. Now… I feel like I can’t stop suspecting everyone.

Last updated on:2025-09-30T01:17:02+05:30