every nite I wonder if I will sleep dreamless, or toss and turn over memories. another day I get up and go thru the motions. wake up, coffee, stoke fire, go to work. listen to clients gripe about their problems, or life, and how bad they have it and I just listen thinking, ur not alone, u have family close by, or u have ur loved on right there and all u can do is bitch.
I get thru the day and hop in my car to come home to what? another nite alone? another meal I make gor myself to eat by myself while I sit in the cabin I made for us alone on a mountain side. I stare out at the views and think of all we had planned, I look down to the grave where I buried my dog just 2 weeks? after she left. I look at how I built things for her, how I took her into account on everything. I sit and think about what she chose over me. drugs, being able to have sex with whoever and whenever she wants, knowing that for 7 years I had to beg for affection, 7 years where I would ask if we could play and id have to take her to food, give her a full body massage, and cater to her all nite for a possibility that we could fool around. and now she just hops on tinder and meets up with whoever. I think about how aweful I must be of a person to know that she gave up 7 years, a homestead, the future we had planned together, and someone that did everything I could to make her life better, literally spoon fed her, bathed her and wiped her ass after she went into DKA after deciding she wanted to "party" for 3 days straight. the 3 days I begged her to stop, tried to get her to eat and had to force her to drink water.
7 years I built my life around her, she was my only focus. keep her alive, do anything to make her feel lived and appreciated, take care of medical stuff so she didnt have to get overwhelmed, bring her flowers just because.
every day feels like a new battle, or the same battle just restarted. and still I wonder if she's ok, is she taking care of herself, is she warm, is she safe. and then the darkness comes; who is she snuggling up to tonite, what new lies is she spinning to justify her cheating on me multiple times and then leaving me because she wanted to continue doing it but wanted me to be ok with it.
210? days of this. and according to studies, many more years and daily battles to get over her. and still I sit her and think what would I do if she knocked on my door and said she made a mistake? cuz thats how she left me. I asked what is she gunna do if she realizes this isnt what she wants? and she replied with "Im not counting on it, but I hope if that happens your here waiting for me"....
Last updated on:2025-12-13T09:19:35+05:30
Comments (4)
Hey.. She sounds broken and some ppl just have too much baggage and it comes out in forms we don't understand. U have a lot of love to give. I know this sounds hard to do but Stop thinking about the emotional investment you made in her.. 7 years is a long time but 210 days is a long time too for grieving. Let her go. Life is beautiful. Don't wait up.
can i ask something gently? when you think about her showing up again, are you thinking about her, or the version of her you hoped she’d grow into?
the only thing that ever helped me a tiny bit was stopping the “what if she comes back” loop. it’s brutal. but every time my brain went there, i’d remind myself of the reality, not the fantasy. took months but it slowly loosened the grip. you’re carrying way too much that was never yours to carry.
i lived with someone for 5 years who spiraled the same way... the drugs, the cheating, the “i love you but i’m gonna do whatever i want.” i remember cooking for two and eating alone, looking at all the stuff we built and feeling like i was the only one who ever cared. your whole post feels like that same ache in my chest. you’re not crazy for still wondering if she’s warm or safe. i did that too, even when they were out with someone else.