Why can't i move on from him even after all this?

so I was in school and I was a newbie, I'm just silent nerd. I only used to focus on acadamics and stuff , and thought to do the same in this school I've joined , it was my first day I saw him , he's in sports uniform. I've been observing him for weeks and he always used to maintain his face dull and gloomy. but one day we had a fight for something then after a week i apologized to him and so did he. Idk how it happened but I always used to hate him after that fight and he dgaf tbh. One night we just became friends, I got so close to him and my heart used to race whenever I'm with him. later he opened up sharing that he has a gf. I felt so sad but I should be a loyal friend to him. and i supported him, but I got to know that he was dating his cousin . yeah cousin. I told him it isn't right but he never listened so. Idk what happened to me but he changed my whole personality like , i became bubbly and sweet girl but still used to cry at nights thinking about him. they used to fight and he asks me for help and I do so.but one day, they broke up. He cried. first time I saw him crying. I really felt soo soo bad and consoled him. after that , like a week . I decided to tell him that I love him sm. I was about to speak but he said. ' isn't the girl from other section nice?' . I froze. and i nodded numbly and asked him that, are u interested in her? . He said ' trying her doesn't hurt tho' .
I simply understood myself that , maybe i should move on from him . I tried so hard to get away from him and the thoughts about him but since he's my friend i couldn't do so until one night because of my family, about my marks , they kinda had fight with me. and i had anxiety attack and couldn't breathe and tears were flowing and I was crying on the floor of my bathroom and want to call him.
I called him. he just told me that I was over reacting and told me not to call him because he was with his new gf. That's it. every night i had panic attacks and nights grew cold while i cry so hard. I became weak , and i just turned silent but this time. I am numb. no emotions and just i became what I hated ,
since him and I were in same school and classmates , I used to see him while he searches for her , what I want from him , he does to her. I don't want any guilt and i just told him that I love him. He blamed me for being late. he just told ' u are soo late and I'm in love with her' . I accepted his decision and promised him that I'll be with him even as a friend whenever he needs my help.
he stopped texting me and left my messages on seen. ( the fact that hit me is , How much it hurts for the things he did to her and not to u even u begged for?.. he did to her naturally but I asked him. he never cared. ) and i just lost my spark and no more attacks.. but i became whole new person that worse than my attacks. Soon after a year I got to know that , his new gf cheated on him and he told me about it and used to cuss her , I felt bad for him as a friend. after a week , he sat behind me and grabbed my hand during class , I was stuck. My heart started to beat and I can hear my own freaking heart beat.
and later that night I asked him , what's wrong with him and he confessed to me saying he loves me. I didn't know what to do. I badly wanna reject him but I know how that hurts and he is my closest friend ever and i just told him yes ( i regretted ) and asked one of my friends and they said , he was seeing u with lust and it's not love ( it's true.) and next day , he sat behind me again and this time he held my waist and caress me , i.. didint know what to do and after class I told him not to touch me and he was like ' why not? I'm your bf ' and i just got so angry and i just shouted on him for a min but calmly told him that , I was se*ually assaulted when I was a little girl and I have this fear of being touched. he didn't cared.. the finals were near, and after a month, the whole school started to hate me because they thought that he was cheating on her and had me as his side chick . people talked shit about me and i couldn't take it and got hurt everytime ( because I was soft and innocent girl back then what can I expect) and after i scored 96% but felt bad coz I thought I could perform even better. It was summer but I am still stuck in winter . He just got to know through his friends and everyone that I loved him unconditionally but he was never there for me when I needed him the most and chased other girls while i chased him. he realised everything and began to regret and used to come to me and cry everyday apologising and says he's guilty, he just cried like for 6-7 months saying the same thing ' u were there for me everytime but I wasn't ' , I forgave him and told him I can't love him as I did in the past ,( because i don't wanna give him false hopes ) , and we got close and i really enjoyed to spend my time with him and later he told his family about me and his mom liked me sm , but that night same feeling haunted him , he used to tell me not to tell everyone about him and i were close friends and showcased his GFs because.. idk what he thought and now he just introduced me to everyone. I just thought maybe I'm one of his girls. And everything went good but it was thsi feeling I hid and pretend to be happy with him , it's that , Why couldn't it be me and he chose her over me right?. I overthink a lot and it's just got worse. But whenever I was with him.. I used to behave so weird like it wasn't me. I always act and just hid everything and forgot to show emotions. So at evening , the feeling between us grew tighter and he just kissed me. I was in dilemma and couldn't sleep at all and repeated the scene again and again all night and smiling like a maniac. later we went on a date and he took pic of us , and he handed me the phone and gone somewhere and I was looking at our picture and somehow. I ended up seeing something I wish i could forget. The nudes of his cousin ( his 1st ex),
I froze and everything went blurry and i kept scrolling through and found a video of her pleasuring herself. and i found his chats with her.. saying dirty things to her and she was being hella seductive and.. the chats were about their future plans and things he wanna do with her and do to her. I just couldn't take it and he came back saying he went to restroom. and i couldn't ask him about those and acted nice the whole night ,
we were just talking about something ( my mind was absent anyways ) and i observed that he was looking at my cleavage and not at me. And day after day he is getting physical and started to touch me everywhere
worse thing is that I crave for his touch and I'm weak for him but.. I see her in the back of my mind whenever I see him , he doesn't know anything coz I acted so dumb. later he forced me and manipulated me , he saw me halfly naked , I felt like puking but. I started to compare with her everytime and insecurities grew. I could never be me after that. I got to know that , he's lustful but loyal to me.
and the fact that he cheated on her while being with me. I thought that. maybe it's true that I really am a side chick of him. after a year. he asked me why there's change in me and why I always have this gloomy face. I couldn't take it anymore and slapped him on his face twice and cried saying , U saw her body right? u probably have compared me to her coz she's so good and pretty than me. ( the fact is.. the girls he dated including me are older. yes I'm 1 year older than him ) . He cried and told me that , he tried but I didn't listened . I thought maybe it's my fault and I'm the wrong person.
I could never gone back to me again.
always i compared myself to her.
and she's just so good and better than me
the girls he dated has , long hair, fair skin, tall , and beautiful. and me?
I'm a tomboy , short hair , and short just a bookworm.
the fact he got attracted to me was my body,
I'm thick with hourglass shape. and i always feel uncomfortable around him while his touches reminded me of my haunting truma
I pretended to love him for 2 years because I'm scared that he will get hurt if he knows.
now he really loves me . sm and never looks at other girls. but
I became the problem.
I always am hurting him brining the topic of her and never actually thought, he is also feeling bad for his deeds.
but the truth is , he just makes fun of me in public, never cares about my opinion. if he does smth wrong , he'll just apologise and repeats it again and begs for another chance. He never actually understands me and he .. still didn't beat his lust.
I had enough coz I changed many schools because many boys lusted on me and made me uncomfortable and i got scared af.
I'm safe with him but .. I want to be loved and not lusted.
this year. things got serious and
I'm maintaing my distance from him but always running back to him coz I have none except him had he's the only one I'm close to.
I'm not happy with him but I love him sm.
and he loves me too but he lusts on me.And
I always have her in my thoughts.
while he kisses me I think, He used to dreamt of this with her right? ...
and the fact what if he compares her body to mine. he's over possessive and doesn't even let me to talk to teachers ( male). when I tell him the way I feel he just rejects and says , no I know how u feel .
like dude come one I'm telling u what im feeling and u are just DOING WHAT?!
HE JUST tells me how I feel when I clearly am feeling the other way.
he's just not right buy I love him.
he was never there for me either.
but his love is true and he's loyal.
I'm the problem with his past.
idk what to do...
I gave him my spark but lost mine.
he used to be silent and gloomy when I had the bubble energy. and now..
he's being a Golden retriever and I am having black cat energy.
he's texting me and I'm just ghosting him not knowing what to do..
I am also stressing over my life coz I wanna build myself up and be top in my studies and deal with my family.
I really don't know what to do.. I'm just stuck.

Last updated on:2026-05-28T00:58:12+05:30