412 days without my husband and grieving a living person is torture. On September 3rd I go in to drop the pfa I had placed on him for an incident towards me while he was high. Over the year I sent emails about me processing and of course no response in return but on that day when I give a verbal oath that I want this for myself I will see him for the first time in by then 14 months. I should hate him especially after seeing a FB post of him at an event wearing a wedding band when he left his here before the cops caught and served him the pfa. To know he’s wearing a ring for some other woman kills me when I continued to love him trying to heal from everything he put me through. I don’t know why I want to cry exactly but the same time I still feel like I love him. I am dropping the order a couple months early because I feel like I have done as much healing as I can with the silence knowing I am still living a separate life from a man who is still legally my husband since neither one of us filed for divorce over this time. Maybe it’s the fear of finding out if he has tried to go through recovery or to find out he looked to pursue other relationships or maybe the fear of words he’s been holding for a year that could end up being hateful. At the same time it wasn’t my fault he chose to throw away his recovery, it wasn’t my fault he threw away his meds for his mental illness, it wasn’t my fault that he choose to constantly take off and surround himself with things that just didn’t fit into what I wanted in our relationship. It wasn’t my fault he broke communication with his AA support person. Maybe this is the chapter where I get to close it but knowing that I am going to see a man I had beg to be his best self and loved him regardless.. the sadness hit me like a punching bag once I found out that he will be expected to be present. I never filed for divorce because of him being under the influence of the incident because he wasn’t the man I married during those times and just questioned if I would be giving up on him if I had filed but he didn’t either so I dont know what to think either. Sorry for rambling but just trying to prepare myself to possibly reopen the healing emotional wounds.
Last updated on:2026-08-11T23:16:50+05:30
Comments (6)
having one date on the calendar that terrified me because i knew seeing my ex could bring everything rushing back. i kept reminding myself that whatever he chose after we separated was HIS choice, and i didn’t have to carry it anymore.
that’s a really good way to look at it
i feel your fear in this. do you think the hardest part will be seeing him, or hearing what he has to say?
honestly I think for as much as I have thought about it it’s a mix of both
loving someone who hurt me made grief so damn confusing, especially when i knew i deserved better but still wished they’d become the person i needed.
Does it ever get better?