Having come out of 23 yrs of DV as well as growing up with parents that hated and hit eachother as well as us kids for whatever was pissing them off has left me knowing that no mater how much i try and change the way i see the world now, there isnt enough time for me to find the one thing I wanted most in life. Love.
After 11 year involvement, I ended it with this guy. Not because I didnt love him, it was getting hard not to see how he didnt love me. i was so desperate for his attention and approval thst he could do no wrong until i couldnt keep waiting for a day that would never come for us. Hid hurtful words and disregard he had for me and the breadcrumbs I convinced myself I could survive off of no longer wss enough. He never kept one eingle promise to me and I etayed. Th3 hirtful harmful things he would say and yet i stayed. He knew the harshness of my life and knew what broke me from before him and yet he chose to do the same thing.
Reality is hitting me hard. I allowed this buy i didnt knos any diffferent. Its what i know about love. Its always been a 4 letter word to me.
Last updated on:2026-09-07T03:54:11+05:30
Comments (6)
I am 57 yrs old. I didnt see or realize i was looking for the familiar until it finally made sense. yes. i was looking for what I grew up knowing about love whicb makes it near impossible to think I could ever have it the way others have said ot should be or look like. In my lifetime I only know maybe 2 married people that should be the poster couples for what to strive towards but how do yoi know until your libranry of refernece gets a new book?
if my subconsciencs is constantly seeking familar....which has never been safe....then how do I fight against myself when I am not conscience I am even doing it! ITS BULLSHIT!! I AM NOT DR. FRUED! I DONT HAVE PSYCHOLOGY DOCTORATE AND NOW IT FEELS TO LATE SO .....
I think some of us are lucky and most of us are somewhere in the middle and then there are the rest of us. The ones who feel lucky if they make it thru the day without someone hurting them. Feel lucky if we make it out alive. The qoute " its better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." never had my kind of life...
I am angry. I have every right to be. I feel ripped off, shorted and now.I cant imagine ever trusting anyone ever again. i dont have the time or will.
The only love i have ever experinced that is real and not contingent on how skinny or fat i am or dont question your existence being a slave is in Christ. I am not a bible beater but with as many times I was close to death at the hands of a man who said he loved ne while he was chocking me to death...I have seen and been rescued too many times to deny God holds my life in his hands and no man shall take it until God calls me home.
The love we seek here ....is nothing to the love he has for each of us. I had a near death experience that to this day I can only say there are not enough words in the english dictionary to make you understand the love of our father. All of us....no matter what your faith or beliefs in our creator. He comes by many different names. He is the one who scattered us to the winds so we all are different but we all are the same. its the only real love I have ever had and I am looking forward to standing in it again.
i spent years blaming myself for staying, until i realized i stayed because i was trying to make something familiar feel like love. please don't punish yourself for what you didn't know then.
you say love has always been a four-letter word to you, do you think a part of you still believes real love is supposed to hurt?
believing crumbs were love because that was what i learned love looked like. leaving after so many years took everything in me, and i still had to learn that wanting love wasn't asking for too much.
I get you, really, recently I Ended a relationship, it was like really bad, we had out ups and downs we broke up twice, it was horrible, he cheated on me, i stayed, he talked to other girls while he was with me, i stayed, he made bets about me, i stayed, he told lies to my friends about me, i stayed, gosh i was so dumb, i cant even think how the Hell I was that dumb, but i just wanted to be loved, to know what is all the hype in love, but in the end, love is just a 4 letter word, just like you said…