I’ve never really had a serious relationship before. When I met my now-ex I genuinely thought it was going to be something great. The complicated part? She was the best friend of another ex of mine.
But I really liked her. Maybe way too much. Whenever school ended I’d rush out just to see her. I wasn’t studying nearly as much as I should’ve been because I wanted to spend time with her although eventually we started studying together too.
The main problem was that we were basically doomed to have a secret relationship.
At first I honestly didn’t think being secret would be that big of a deal. I even convinced myself that maybe it could be better than a normal relationship. For the first few months everything felt amazing. We clicked so naturally like an enzyme fitting perfectly with its substrate (weird comparison I know).
I really loved her. I still do.
But during the summer I went through what felt like the darkest period of my life and I still don’t completely understand why. She and I spent a lot of time together and we had plenty of genuinely good moments but I still couldn’t shake this feeling of loneliness.
It got worse because I had become pretty isolated from my other friends and family. I tried opening up to her about how I was feeling but somehow those conversations never really went anywhere.
Eventually she cut off my friend who was also my ex. I never asked her to do that. If anything I wanted them to repair their friendship. I hate being controlling in relationships so I never told her what she could or couldn’t do. Maybe deep down I still hoped things would eventually work out between them.
But even after all that it never seemed like she actually wanted us to be public.
I know this post probably sounds like I’m cherry-picking the bad parts of our relationship and honestly I am. There were good parts too. I ended things because our relationship had become a mess for me not because she was a bad person.
I just hated being a secret.
And being secret came with consequences. My friends would flirt with my girlfriend right in front of me and I couldn’t really say anything because publicly we were just two friends. I had to stand there and pretend it didn’t bother me.
Eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m writing all of this without much structure because I’m still trying to make sense of everything. She tried several different ways to get me back. Sometimes she asked nicely sometimes she got angry but she still wouldn’t agree to making our relationship public. And I couldn’t keep living like that.
Things had gotten so bad that suicidal thoughts had started becoming a daily thing and I hated what my life had become.
Now she’s blocked me. She said I was selfish and that I was being unfair because I chose to end things at such a random time.
I don’t know if I made the right decision. I still love her and that’s probably the hardest part. I just knew I couldn’t keep living in a relationship where I felt like I had to hide.
Last updated on:2026-09-08T00:48:11+05:30
Comments (4)
i keep thinking about one thing you said, that she tried to get you back but still wouldn’t make the relationship public. do you think you miss the relationship as it actually was, or the version you kept hoping it would become?
loving someone deeply while knowing the relationship was hurting me. being someone’s secret can mess with your head in ways people don’t see, and i don’t think you were selfish for finally saying you couldn’t live like that anymore.
I don’t see that as a reason to break up because every relationship has its ups and downs. But if you feel lonely and distance yourself I think it’s better to fix things on your own and not ruin a relationship because of it
I don’t think you’re selfish for choosing to leave a relationship that was hurting you. You can still love someone deeply and know that the relationship isn’t healthy for you anymore. Wanting to be acknowledged and not feel like a secret is completely valid. I hope you’re able to heal and find some peace, because it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot..