Why saying goodbye is the hardest thing i've ever done

TRIGGER WARNING GRAPHIC!!
I have been revaluating some things I had been through with my ex. I believe thinking of what happened will help me to let go. I have been reflecting on the negative words he would say to me and how he would treat me as a person. I am young and me and my ex had a huge age gap (I was 19 and he was 39 when I met him. I’m 20 now and he’s 40). In some ways he had alot of power over me. One thing that stood out to me is how he took advantage of me. In the month of December 2025 we talk about playing a game. There was no sets of rules or anything. He knew I wanted him to stay the night at my place because I never had him stay the night before so in order for him to stay the night i had to promise to allow him to do anal with me. So he came over my place and tied my hands up. I allow him to do anal on me for my first time. And I felt it was painful and I tried to get away. I remember him slamming my head to bed over and over. I tried to untie my hands and he kept choking me and I told him “I cant breathe. Stop you’re choking me.” And he wouldnt stop. My vison became blurry. Thank God I didnt die. I remember he acted like he was gonna take my v-card and I yelled ,” I dont want u to take it!” And he kept hurting me with his hands and I kept saying ,”I dont want u to hurt my v” Then he kept saying ,” Nigga that p* is mines” I remember at one point I tried to get up but I kept falling to the ground because I was so dizzy. And I remember when he did anal on me I kept gasping for air because how painful I was in. So looking back on everything I went through I felt not only physically. But what hurt me the most was he took advantage of me emotionally in my most vulernable state of life. I dont really care of the $2k he got out of me because I did it out of love. I just felt like my mental health went down with dealing with him. I met him in the most vulernable state of my life because I was a young girl pushed out into the world by her family. Didnt had any support. The guy used to be my boss and he treated me like family and thats what connected me to him in the first place. The guy shared his traumas what he been through and ig a trauma bond was formed. I just hope in the end I may completely heal one day and move forward. Because I noticed a pattern when I talk to the guy I lose alot of weight and I become depressed and I believe its time to say goodbye again otherwise I am going to keep hurting myself and feeling confused with his words. I hope for my ownself that I stop going back because he doesnt love me.

Last updated on:2026-08-10T03:34:12+05:30