I've gotten to a point where I'm low contact with my ex. I'm still really mad at her and she is mad at me.
We talked at one point about sharing our perspectives about what happened and then apologizing to each other. But then I realized I think that's the same trap I have been caught in; the trap of trying to convince her to apologize. And I had promised myself I was going to stop doing that. If she wants to apologize I shouldn't have to convince her to do so.
It's hard though. I miss her. When things were good there was an ease between us that was unmatched. There were just certain ways we really got each other.
I would like to be friends but I cannot forgive her for the way she treated me. How she took me for granted. How I felt discarded. Especially because she never apologized.
Last updated on:2026-10-07T02:41:00+05:30
Comments (9)
i’ve been here, wanting that apology so badly because i thought it would finally make me feel seen. i kept hoping my ex would understand what she did, and that waiting kept me tied to her way longer than i wanted.
i had to accept that the apology i wanted might never come, and forgiving someone was something i could choose for myself without giving them access to me again.
you think you actually want friendship with her, or do you want the version of her who would finally acknowledge how badly she hurt you?
I really would like to be able to have a friendship with her. But I'm trying to come back to the Prentice Hemphil quota (paraphrased) boundaries are the distance at witch I can love myself and you simultaneously...
Right now that distance is still pretty far.
But I do really miss our repor, it's hard to put into words. Her and I would sync up in ways that I've only had with my bestie I've known since childhood. I would really like to not loose that, but I also have self respect or I'm trying to at least so I think right now I just have to move slowly and remind myself that convincing her to apologize is actually never going to get me what I want. I get that by having boundaries and taking responsibility for myself.
she avoidant what?
omg. soooo avoidant. it's so frustrating!
@manicfaedreamgoblin as someone have been discard bad avoidant ex don't be friends remove her all sns don't look go gym go out friend do hobby them will back cuz mine 1yrs back but I don't wan her anymore not change
May I ask what she did to you?
We were both really there for each other when she was coming into her self in a big way and she supported me in a lot of ways too but I was really there for her emotionally as she was building confidence in her self.... We were long distance and I really wanted her to move to the city I am in because I have been building community here for over a decade. It was not easy. I worked really fucking hard at putting myself out there and building my community.... When she did agree to move we were really in love and I trusted her so completely. I was really generous with my community connections and shared the connections I had built with her trusting that she would be considerate and treat me with care.... But she didn't. She got frustrated that I wasn't as available as I had been when I was in school now that I was building up hours to become a therapist and over worked and under payed. I had to get a job right out of school. She did not because she's rich.... I thought that she would be there along side me when things got rough and in some ways she was. She payed for us to do things together, she made most of our plans because I didn't have the mental energy to do so after work, she would make me dinner. In material ways she was really thoughtful, but I felt like crap and the way she interacted with me really contributed to my burnout and depression. I felt like she was doing the things she was doing because she wanted the pre-burnout version of me... I constantly felt i was never enough and all the things she was doing for me only added to that and in the meantime I was getting more and more depressed.... When I couldn't giver her what she wanted it seemed like she started seeking it elsewhere. Her and my best friend at the time started hanging out a bunch and then formed what felt like a clique with that person and one of their friends... I have had conversation with so many mutual friends and even my metamore that was also dating my ex at the time (we were Ethically Non-monogamis). Everyone else that I talked to in that friend group experienced the 3 of them as being at best close in a way that sometimes made others feel left out and at worst pretty downright mean.... When I confronted her about this she always deflected. Over time it became clear that when things weren't working for her in our relationship if we talked and things didn't go the way she wanted them to rather than communicate and continue working on it she would just outsource to other friendships and romantic relationships until without me realizing it she had begun to replace all the most meaningful parts of our relationship with other people who could fulfill those roles. Also I haven't mentioned that she is funny and charismatic. So while I was at my lowest she basically took a big part of my friend group out from under me without me realizing it. When we broke up I lost the community I was putting the most energy into.... In the end it was a good thing. I'm soooo much happier with the abundance of friends I have now. I also started dating a girl who is so fucking genuine and sweet and just wants to know me for me... I am so glad that I left that life behind, but that doesn't change the fact that I felt incredibly discarded by her and as much as I want her in my life I can't be close to her if she can't even recognize and take responsibility for the harm she did.... I know what I have said makes her sound really shitty and at the end of our relationship, she was, but there were years full of care and what felt like good genuine communication. This hurt as badly as it did because I trusted her and I trusted her because she had shown up in our relationship in ways no one ever had before, so when she broke that trust it hurt that much worse because I had never experienced that level of trust before.