For a long time, I poured all my energy into a "project" that was never mine to complete: fixing my ex and saving our relationship. I was trapped in a cycle of trying to manage his reactions and justify my basic needs. But I’ve reached a turning point. Using the Circle of Control, I am finally shifting my focus away from what I cannot change and back toward the only person I can: myself.
1. Where I Place My Energy
I’m done spending my days hovering over my phone, checking for texts, emails, or missed calls that only bring more chaos. I am choosing to stop obsessing over how to "fix" us and instead focus on how to heal me.
The Shift: Instead of draining my battery on a one-sided relationship, I am nourishing myself with healthy food, movement, meditation, and the supportive people who actually give back to me.
2. Protecting My Boundaries
My boundaries are mine to hold. My ex is blocked, and he will stay blocked. I recognize now that he has no interest in changing, and unblocking him only invites stress and pain back into my life. I am choosing a future of peace over a past of anxiety.
3. Reclaiming My Time and Joy
I spent so much time "banging my head against a wall," trying to convince a partner why a co-ed fitness class was good for my health. I’m done asking for permission to be happy.
The Realization: Real love is not control or jealousy. I am going back to the gym and joining the classes I love because they bring me joy. I am spending my free time doing what feeds my soul, not managing someone else's insecurities.
4. Rewriting the Internal Script
For too long, I let his voice become my inner critic. He gaslit me, used my illness against me, and tore me down. No more.
Self-Talk: I am speaking to myself with kindness. I am using affirmations and reminders that I am worthy of love exactly as I am. I am taking responsibility for my thoughts and building myself back up, brick by brick.
5. Growing Through Challenges
He told me I was bad at communicating and that I couldn’t understand the self-help books I read. I’m choosing to ignore that voice. Even if I’m the only one who sees my progress, I know I’m learning.
The Truth: The failure of a relationship does not make me a failure. I will keep reading, keep learning, and keep trying. I am a work in progress, and that is a beautiful thing.
6. My New Goal: Finding "Me" Again
I lost myself in the shadow of that relationship, but I am finding my way back. My goal is to rediscover the hobbies and interests I loved before my life became all about "them."
Today, my mantra is simple: I breathe in peace, and I exhale control.
I don't have all the answers. I still get sad and feel like crying and miss him like crazy. I don't have all the answers. I just try my best.
Shifting my focus to my 'Circle of Control' has been a game-changer for my peace of mind. What are some things you’ve realized are inside your control that you used to give away to your ex?
Last updated on:2026-02-06T03:56:36+05:30
Comments (4)
when you say you’re finding “you” again, what’s one tiny thing that already feels like it belongs to you and not to the relationship anymore? even something small counts.
That's a great question. Thank you for asking. The thing that feels like it belongs to me is my quite alone time because my ex couldn't give alone time. I have been enjoying reading, meditating, coloring, listening to positive affirmations, hearing my own thoughts instead of worrying about upsetting him, working out, and spending time with family without bringing my phone or having to tell him everything that we talked about and sleeping in and listening to audiobooks and music and watching a chickflick without him judging me and getting jealous. It just feels good to not feel like I'm not walking on eggshells. I get to think about my feelings wants and needs for the first time in a along time.
i was the fixer too. spent years managing his moods, explaining my needs like a powerpoint, shrinking myself to keep the peace. realizing his voice had become my inner critic was brutal, but that’s where things finally started to crack open for me. blocking him was the first quiet breath i’d had in forever
Thank you for sharing you story. That took a lot of strength and courage to leave him and block him. I'm so proud of you. I want you to know that you are worthy of love just as you are.
I did a course called safe people: how to find the relationships that are good for you and avoid the ones that aren't by Henry cloud and John townstone. if they don't have a safe people support group in your community, you can always just read the book. I also found reading the book boundaries by Henry cloud and John Townsend helpful.
Right now I'm listening to the audiobook. you can heal your heart: finding peace after a breakup, divorce or death by Louise Hay and David Kessler.
Have you tried trauma counseling? I found free trauma counseling at my local women's center. I did trauma counseling and EMDR therapy.
What tools, books, or resources have you found helpful?