Really just ranting, but any advice would be appreciated. <3
Had something really lovely (long distance) for a couple of months... took it slow but clearly we were developing feelings for one another, talking most/every day, sharing healthy love and care.
I've always been avoidant but he made me feel safe & secure. No doubts, just honest conversation and enjoying each others' company.
His life gets busy, he pulls away and tells me he's emotionally unavailable, "can't give me the attention I deserve", but he'd like to be friends.
Excellent, I care about him, I'd love to be friends. I understand if he needs space, but he never asks for it or confirms it.
We chat once, say we will again, then over a month he pulls away, makes plans, ghosts, I message maybe once a week, he responds coldly/politely. I understand, he's disengaged/deactivated (I should have known better or started no contact but this is all new to me; we didn't have a proper conversation, boundaries, closure, anything. We just both agreed we weren't going anywhere.)
I tell him if he needs space, I'll be here. He responds kindly and reassuringly, says we're on good terms, then blocks me on (almost) everything a few days later.
The blocking & no contact has been good for me, and I'm sure he needs the distance too. I just wish he gave a little bit of communication or clarity. I edited some old messages to say take all the time you need, hope you're well etc - in case he looks back and wants to reach out.
I'm trying to stay secure and remember his perspective, the distance was difficult and he's overwhelmed, even if my attempts to communicate made it harder, it was honest and I tried my best to be there for him. It's no-one's fault, we were kind to each other.
He ghosted me, so I deserve better. But he explained himself, we broke up. It's not fair to expect his time or energy.
I'm just left with questions, and a grief I can't quite label.
Is he done with me? Was he just being nice and trying to avoid a tough conversation? Was he being honest? Can I trust him to take the time and space to heal? Am I just making it worse trying to pathologise his feelings/actions through the lens of attachment? Does it even matter? What's the end goal? Did he just like the novelty? The attention? Did he really love me? Would things be different if we were just casual? How long is it going to take? Did my reassurance push him further away? Was I too much? Was I not enough? Is this just NC and I'm catastrophising? If he knew how it's making me feel, would it make things worse? Is he thinking of me too? Does he just want to forget me? Has he moved on? Is he still hurting? Did I ruin our chances by delaying NC? Am I hurting myself by hoping? Am I just being delusional? Was he clear and I'm just reading too much into it? Is it normal to feel like this? Is there something wrong with me?
Stuck in a constant cycle of "we're so back" / "it's so over", but writing it all down seems to help.
Last updated on:2026-04-16T20:50:53+05:30
Comments (6)
He became distant a few days after being clear and vulnerable with each other about how we felt, (expressing love and the intention to meet), but this coincided with him starting a new job, so spending time together grew a little difficult. Whether it's all too much for him or not enough, or something else altogether... I really don't know. I understand it didn't work out, the question is where to go from here.
he is people pleaser , is he anxious?
He always seemed calm and composed, but mentioned once he isn't on the inside. He called himself a people pleaser too, but I never saw any outward signs of worry, discomfort or insecurity.
He reassured me that I didn't do anything wrong, I'm very nice, he had fun, etc. but it's hard to know if he was just hiding any fears or issues he had within the relationship.
@silly I am an anxious , once I met an avoidant . I loved her nicely and she gave me the energy to love her then she asked for a break and then she left me. it hurts for a year , I lost my job . now I am cold with people and even block people . so I don’t know if he just acted to protect himself from getting hurt .
@Brenley484 I'm so sorry that happened to you, hoping you're able to heal with time. <3 Thank you for the insight.
He was so sweet and kind, funny, "a people pleaser", there are no hard feelings and I want to give him space to come back if/when he's ready (not blocking or anything), but it's hard without that clarity.