Why did i sabotage the best relationship i've ever had?

I am a now retired Firefighter and medic and have been in a lot of physical pain from a year and a half old, fast evolving hip injury and my life has been in a downward spiral for 13 months now (injury, loss of mobility, forced retirement due to injury, loss of career, loss of identity, loss of any sort of outlet or stress relief that I can really do any more since I have always been a very active person). This has had a huge impact on my entire life and the only thing I had left was my amazing relationship. No real concerns except that she stilled lived with and was deeply codependent with her parents at 32yo. But I managed to sabotage that relationship. And we were truly great until my issues messed with everything.
She Initially 'broke up' with me 11 months ago after a question of trust issue I had. Not infidelity, but questioning her integrity. But I felt she truly cared about us and we kept trying to work things out. We went through several cycles of trying to get back on track. But my trust issues, anxiety and insecurities from everything else kept coming back and screwing it up. We went through several phases where we were fine, but we would keep coming back to my trust issues and didn't seem like we could overcome them. I would spiral and attack her. I was definitely not showing up as my best self. And her responses to me at same the time were very consistent, but she very quickly got to the point where she said maybe we should take a break, to which I did not respond well to.
I felt we were soul mates. We were engaged for 2 years(I asked her) and she called me the love of her life before all of our problems started. She stopped wearing her ring after our first "breakup". My feelings for her have never changed.
It seemed our 'final' breakup came about 6 months ago and after that her responses to me faded fast. Lately, I had been wracking my brain, going over old message threads because my pain issues were affecting my memory of things over the past year and I couldn't remember things clearly. I thought if I could figure out where I went wrong, it would help me find a way to get back to her. She blocked me just on fb and pretty much ghosted me 4 months ago. I wasn't sure why, but I felt I probably deserved it. I can't help feeling there was something I could have done, but I don't know what. I didn't message her much during the last 4 months because I had surgery at the same time her mom had open heart and I felt like I needed to give her space, for her blocking me and for me to work on myself. Just last week, she messaged me to say that she has decided to move on and is dating someone else. It devastated me as I had been hoping to get another chance after I had recovered from my surgery, worked on myself and gotten to a better place. That message also made me realize that I was super toxic in the relationship and I think it was due to the the above mentioned things.
The last few times I have seen her, she can't look at me, let alone interact. I tried being cordial and got a very cold response. 6 months ago, her parents told me they didn't know why she was acting the way she did. 4 months ago, THEY stopped talking to me. It's very confusing. And I know I'll see her again, though I doubt it will be for another couple of months, and I know I'll dread seeing her with her new someone else. I don't know how I will or should react.
I think that's also why, in the last 4 months, I have even had a hard time showing my dog affection, and that is definitely not how I was before. I loce my dog. My dog is my ride or die, but I feel emotionally shut down. I don't talk to family or friends either.
I'm looking for any insight, support or anyone who has gone through anything similar

Last updated on:2026-05-06T22:49:03+05:30