hi, I’m new here. you can call me jax. my partner and I have been together for close to three years. Three years is actually going to be next week, funny enough. I don’t know what to do about all this that’s been going on lately. for the last two years of our relationship, arguments become a minefield because of the way my untreated BPD made me lash out. at the start of April, I left his place (we are long distance, both 21 and just graduated. we both promised we’d make it.) and a week later we got into another fight because he promised me time and couldn’t follow up. Everything has been off since then. and we’ve been on a break that I haven’t been great about, admittedly- but my love hasn’t died, and he hasn’t given me much encouragement but he’s kept me around and said he just needs time. I don’t know if there’s really anything to reply to here… I could just use anything. I’ve written poems of tragedy and sobbed into my notes for too long. I need to become my own person before we can be good together again- that’s what he wants, is for us to become our own people. I just need some hope that things will be okay.
and yes, if you couldn’t tell, I’m anxious and he’s avoidant.
Last updated on:2026-05-13T21:25:12+05:30
Comments (5)
ugh jax, this hit close to home. i have anxious attachment too and being with someone avoidant made me feel like i was constantly starving for reassurance while trying not to ask for “too much.” i used to write giant notes at 3am too, crying and convincing myself if i just explained my feelings perfectly they’d finally stay
i actually think the part where you said “i need to become my own person again” matters more than you realize right now. when my relationship got bad, i had wrapped my whole identity around us surviving. the second i started rebuilding pieces of ME again, the panic slowly stopped owning me.
just hard because im back in my childhood home that isn’t good for me and basically pit a cap on how much I can grow as a person. but I’ll try to focus on that as much as I can. I just. It’s selfish but I want to come out on the other side as more of a person with him. for him.
when he says he needs time and wants you both to become your own people, does it feel like he’s genuinely trying to heal the relationship slowly, or does it feel more like he’s emotionally halfway gone already?
I don’t know. because we’re both heavily mentally ill and come from bad homes and grew up deregulated- we are both each others first serious relationships. looking at his reposts on social media, it’s nothing but saying the relationship is over. but talking to him, giving him time, it’s obvious he wants a break and still cares— he says as much when he’s able to, thanks to being avoidant + stubborn. I feel like things would be more healed by now if I’d just gotten on this app and distanced sooner, but oh well. I think he’s trying to heal himself and process his own emotions first… hence why we’re on break.