need some advice and some help. My boyfriend (??) and I technically are not over yet. But we are in this state of separation. 2.5 weeks ago we had to leave a family beach vacation early because he got "sick" and I "stressed him out" to the point that he was trying to find a way home. Everything spiraled to the point that I went into a 12-hour anxiety cycle for the entire car ride home where I said some things I didn't mean. I kept asking him why he hated me because he wanted to leave. Looking back, I know I never should've done any of it. I regretted it when I was finally able to leave my state of anxiety later the next day. By then, he had stopped speaking to me. I gave it 2 days of not hearing from him... it was eating me alive. I love him so much and I was hurt that I hurt him. So, I wrote a handwritten apology letter and brought roses to his house with banana bread. I asked him for 5 minutes of his time and he agreed. After reading the letter, that day he had said he just "needed time and space" in order to make a rational decision. We had hugged and he allowed me to kiss him. I then didn't hear from him for going on another week. It was miserable and he was providing mixed signals. I would only send a snap here and there and sometimes I got ignored and sometimes I got an "I love you too." it got to the point where I needed clarity and everyone close to me agreed to that. So finally I told him that and he agreed to talk. When we then met up, he told me he needed More time and space and needed to "heal himself" in order to "make a rational decision." He repeated over and over that he "didn't know what he wants" and he broke into tears. we both cried, it was a mess. He told me that he does love me, but doesn't know what he wants and hasn't felt like himself. He said it was more than just that day, but the other problems he mentioned were actually things that had bothered me... and he said they "shouldn't have been problems." I can elaborate on that further. basically yes since then I've been stuck in limbo. He told me he understands that it sucks to be in my position and that "if I can't do it and don't want to then I can breakup with him." I'm hurt and confused. I just want us back and to repair this but I hate how he is treating me. Thank you to anyone who is willing to talk as an outsider and help ☺️
Last updated on:2026-06-07T07:38:12+05:30
Comments (6)
i feel for you. one thing that helped me was paying less attention to the words and more attention to the actions. when someone loves me but disappears for weeks, won't give clarity, and keeps me stuck in uncertainty, i have to take that seriously no matter how much i want the relationship to work.
before the beach trip happened, were you already feeling unheard or like your needs were being pushed aside? the way you describe his reactions makes me wonder if this separation is really about that one day, or if something had been building for a while
there were other things that had been happening, but they were things that bothered me and he said they "shouldn't have been problems" on Monday. I just want him back
i've been in that limbo where every conversation ended with "i need more time" and every day felt like waiting for a verdict on my life. what got me was realizing that while i was fighting for the relationship, he was leaving all the hard decisions on my shoulders.
First of all, I completely understand you and I feel your pain. It is terribly hard to be left in uncertainty, in that "limbo" that eats you alive. You have every right to be hurt and confused, and your panic is completely normal for someone who loves and is afraid of losing someone.
But if we look at the situation calmly and objectively, we can see two big traps you fell into:
You rewarded toxic behavior: When he went completely silent, instead of demanding mature communication, panic drove you to go to his house with letters, roses, and banana bread. By doing this, you gave him a reward for ignoring you. You sent the signal that if he acts cold, you will try even harder.
You are focused on your partner, not the relationship: All your energy goes into his moods, his crying, and the fact that he doesn't know what he wants. You don't ask yourself if this dynamic is healthy for you. He passed all the responsibility onto your shoulders when he said "if you can't do it, then you can break up with me." I don't think this is the attitude of a mature man.
What do you need to do differently now? Stop. Stop trying to control what he feels, because you can't. Your only control is over yourself. Give him exactly what he asked for: total space. But not as a punishment, rather as an act of self-respect. Stop the texts, stop the Snaps. Let him deal with his own problems and moods. If you continue to suffocate him out of anxiety, you will not only push him away for good, but you will also lose yourself in the process. Trust yourself and reclaim your dignity. You can do this, keep your head up! :)
Do you think it's possible that he will come around? It is evident that he is an avoidant attachment