Why do i keep leaving the one i love?

Hey y'all I'm new here. Here's my story; I met this guy(person J) 2023, by then I was in a situationship with an ex I dated for almost 3years and yes he was my first love. I loved him deeply and did everything for him. I treated him with respect but he abused me emotionally and cheated with multiple ladies and I stayed. He begged me to leave him and I begged to stay. One day I woke up and left him. I didn't cry nor miss him.

So the guy I met 2023 , we became friends for abt one year. We were both in uni same year of studying. Our vibe was on another level and surprisingly we share birthday ✨🎊. He wanted we be exclusive but I didn't want a committed rlshp with nobody so I friend zoned him. In 2024 I started seeing someone(fwb) and since there were no commitments I was comfortable.

few months after person J found out I was seeing someone. He felt betrayed because I didn't tell him I was seeing someone. The reason I couldn't be in a rlshp nor be intimate with him was his love was real and I knew I wasn't in a capacity to handle a healthy committed rlsp. I explained all this buh he said I have to give him a chance and he will help me heal.

I said; "if you want me be your gf you better ask it the right way" and that I meant with flowers and stuff like that. He didn't hesitate, the following day he did and that's how we started dating.

Along the way I felt I wasn't ready for this kind of love. To be honest he's a man of integrity and loves deeply. It scared me remember I wasn't used to such kind of love. I started comparing him with my ex and severally I asked for space and break ups too.

He was patient with me. He remained loyal even when I was absent. Reached a point I told him I don't want him anymore and I said things I shouldn't have said. I loved him bt I was so scared that I might get hurt again that's why I left before it happened.

Of course it broke his heart buh I thought it was for our best. After a month he reached out and said he wanted me back even though I'm the one who left. We had a talk and we got back together.

After two months I found out he got intimate with two girls in that span of one month we were separate. I was pissed coz he could have said it before getting back together. Mind you I wasn't seeing anyone not even flirting. For that reason we broke up bt we were still in contact.

Fast forward I took a revenge to feel better so I cheated. He found out but he stayed. Out of fear I broke up with him AGAIN💔. Now this is the time he got fed up and now he doesn't want rlshp with me but want shag now and then💀. This has been going on for a while now but we argue all the time and blaming each other. Trust is gone! Whenever I tell him I want him back he asks me this one question *What do you think will change if we get back together now?* my answer is *I don't know for sure* and he says *nothing will change and I'm sure this rlshp will not work* ...that leaves me speechless 😶😔

What I didn't tell you is this whole thing of on and off rlshp, I was praying and crying to God make me a better person 😭😭. I didn't want to hurt him I loved and still do love him. During this period I wasn't sure of my choices. I enrolled for therapy unfortunately didn't work for me so I quit. I started to work on my rlshp with God and walking with Jesus. I started reading my Bible. I was so conflicted of my sins. fornicating and hurting God's son (person J) and mishandling his love.

My prayer is if it's God's will we back together, may He align us and when the time is right he redirect us back to each other and this time round fully healed, better, our love renewed and even better and stronger, and for most Jesus be our foundation. And IF it's not His will, I pray for person's J healing from all the damage I caused and for my healing. If he's not mine I am releasing him in love and may God align me with who is meant to be mine❤️‍🩹

That's why I have decided to go no contact to focus on my healing and get clarity from the Lord😊.

Last updated on:2026-06-11T21:21:29+05:30