I feel like I don't "deserve" to be here because i don't have any intention of keeping "no contact". Yes, we've reconnected, met up twice already, but both don't want a reconciliation. (The current situation is actually messy on his side, and my little part in that, even if unintentional, is not zero.)
When I met up with him the first time, that was when I finally realized that I had already detached from him as "the one I love" and the thing I was holding on to was my memories of me being happy with him. After my "numbness" post, I began struggling again. It eased up bit by bit but it was still there up until the day before he messaged me to see him.
I was stressed out after the first meeting because of things I found out. We played out for a bit our old painful dynamics that night, but later I called him up and we got to talk. I didn't want to fight anymore or accuse him of anything. That was what I was leaving when I broke up with him. He took calmly everything I said to him in that call. Maybe because at that time he was almost depleted of energy from trying to fix what was going on on his side.
And this second meeting. I tried to resist his pull, saying no to him several times when he asked to meet up. But eventually, I agreed. We were both calmer. He clarified something again that I didn't know happened while we were together, and, of course, it hurt, for a bit, but I reminded myself, and told him, oh, but that's the past now. And I blurted something offhandedly that cut through to his core issue with me during the time when we were together. It felt like he still had some resentment/bitterness against me, and I'd already known I can't do anything to make that go away, only to acknowledge it when he shows it.
Where do I go from here? I still don't know. I can see his patterns, and mine. Maybe this is the first step, finally seeing a bit more now that there are less emotions to cloud the picture.
Last updated on:2026-07-05T12:21:05+05:30
Comments (4)
that was the point where things started changing for me too. i stopped trying to fix old conversations, and just noticed whether every new one left me feeling lighter or heavier.
after these two meetups, do you feel more at peace with the breakup, or do you find yourself hoping the next conversation will give you something you're still missing?
"do you feel more at peace with the breakup" Yes, I even asked him, it was a good thing we broke up, right? I essentially had all my important questions answered, indirectly or directly, within those 9 nine days we reconnected, and any new interactions we might have in the future will add nothing but just make us aware that we still have some pull on each other.
i never stayed no contact either, and for me that didn't mean i was healing the wrong way. i just needed those last conversations before i could finally let go of the version of us i kept holding onto