He cheated without being official: how do i heal?

my ex and i were together for years. we broke up last january took about six months apart he dated someone else then we reconnected in july.
and when i say reconnected… we basically slipped right back into acting like a couple. constant talking seeing each other sleeping together saying “i love you.” just no label.
early on we had a real conversation because we were having unprotected sex. i told him clearly if you’re seeing or sleeping with other people i need to know. not to control you but so i can decide what i’m okay with.
he brushed it off and i let it go because i trusted him.
looking back i feel stupid because there were moments something felt off. nothing concrete just a gut feeling i kept ignoring because i didn’t want to seem crazy or ruin things.
our dynamic didn’t help. he’s very dismissive avoidant i lean anxious. i’d look for clarity and reassurance and he’d deflect or make me feel like i was asking for too much. over time i stopped trusting myself.
one big moment was his birthday. he didn’t invite me.
that alone should’ve told me everything. i remember feeling weird questioning why i wasn’t there who he was with. that’s when i first really thought he might be with someone else.
i didn’t have proof but that feeling stayed.
yesterday everything blew up over something small. he sent me a text about paris that didn’t make sense. it felt like it wasn’t meant for me.
i had that gut feeling again so i did some digging. i saw a girl he recently followed checked her account and she was in paris.
i asked him if the message was for me. he said yes. doubled down.
bu i knew he was lying.
so i asked him directly if he’d been seeing or sleeping with other people. eventually he admitted he had.
what hurts most isn’t just that he was with other people. we technically weren’t together so i can understand that part.
what i can’t get past is that he knew what i asked for from the start especially with the unprotected sex and still chose not to tell me. he kept sleeping with me and acting like everything was normal.
when i asked for details he refused. said he didn’t owe me that.
then he said something that snapped everything into place.
he told me that if he’d known from the beginning that being honest about sleeping with other people was required he never would’ve agreed to keep things going like this.
and then he straight up said he’s choosing to sleep with other people instead of being with me in any real way.
that’s what i’m stuck on.
it’s not just what he did it’s who he is.
he wants closeness comfort sex saying “i love you” but without actually choosing me or showing up fully. and my anxious side kept trying to make sense of it instead of seeing it clearly.
hearing him say it out loud made me realize this wasn’t confusion or miscommunication. this is just how he operates.
and i don’t think i can get past that.
what kind of person does that to someone they say they love? continues having unprotected sex ignores clear boundaries lies so easily and still chooses himself every time.
and on top of that he’s 28 doesn’t have a job still in school and doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life. i think i convinced myself that at least he was sure about me.
but now i see he doesn’t even know how to show up in the most basic way.
i think i’m still in shock.
this ties into our whole relationship. i never really felt chosen. there was always doubt hesitation something missing.
and this just confirmed it.
he didn’t choose me then and he’s not choosing me now.
and that’s the part i can’t shake.
i wanted it to be me. but even when he had me he still wanted other people.
i know i can’t go back especially after everything he said.
i just don’t know how to stop replaying it all or how to accept that this is who he is and always was.
how do you move on when the hardest part isn’t missing them it’s realizing they were never going to choose you?

Last updated on:2026-04-16T14:42:03+05:30