Why i’m reflecting on my breakup and what i want to change

this is a post reflecting on my behaviors, my actions, and my potential changes. feel free to comment asking for more context on what I did, my behaviors, and what I can improve on.

Onward.

I am the daughter of two immigrants. I am, as a person, through my entire life shaped being independent and being alone and trying to get away from everything that made me feel like i had to depend on anyone. That is because of my father.

Being able to rely on him and him being that safe space for me genuinely made me attach to him. And stay close to him regardless of how I’d felt in the past about doing that. I’m never going to be able to tell you how grateful I am for that. To how grateful I am to have had you as my lifeline.

And I want nothing but to have you back, but my behvaior’s changed that.

I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t even feel or look like an actual word. just know I’m sorry.

Let’s call him S. We’ve been together for close to three years. We’ve always had a sort of emotional clash when it came to how we handled arguments and distance, and now we’re at the point where we are on a break and have been rocky for the last month. I want to change, but only for him. I know it’s selfish. I know it’s wrong. I don’t want to be better for anyone else besides myself, my family, and for him. I don’t want to do this all over again with someone who isn’t my lover. My lover, my baby, my world.

I hate that i resent your friends for hating me. i hate that they take importance over me right now. it’s nasty. it’s cruel. it’s the old me. it’s who I swore to never be again. but I’m saying it so it’s in the air, so I can remember who not to be.

I hate that people you’ve never told about our relationship came up to you, and said, ‘it’s about time.’ Who are they to define that for us? And who are you to listen?

Your friends can stand by you and support you. But I don’t think they’re allowed to hate me. I’ve never let anyone know me the way you do. If you hated me, I could let that happen.

But I can’t let people who barely know me do.

I’m changing, even if they don’t believe that. There’s no time for hindsight. I’m breaking her glasses, they’re not 20/20 anymore.

I thought we’d be forever but the friends you’ve made that are just as important think of me so negatively. And I’m scared that’ll shape our future. And you still talk about our future like it’s a real thing and that helps.

But god I’m still scared.

I feel like I can’t be scared. But I know I can.

Last updated on:2026-05-13T19:32:19+05:30